words

At this very odd time in my life, I find myself working at both a dispensary and a bar. I am surrounded by inebriated people all day, every day. It never ends. You’d think that my days just blend together, but there is a noticeable difference in these environments: I actually respect the people walking into my bar.

Real people living in the real world do not have the time or energy to be offended. We are out here getting shit done, contributing to society. If you must be #woke, consider taking offense to actual atrocities and not fictional characters. If you’ve ever watched Toy Story and complained about gender roles, please realize how lucky you are to be in such a position.

@meanie breaks it down.

Name a fad diet, I’ve tried it. Carnivore, liquid, plant-based, paleo, intermittent fasting. I was one of those idiot pescatarians for a while, insisting on dropping $60 on sushi meals twice a day.

By far the worst of the bunch is keto. My god, what a stupid idea that is.

When I don’t have shit to talk to you about, I bring up the weather. Ol’ reliable!

Sean Patton shares a surefire way to spice things up this Valentine’s Day.

Making and losing a million dollars in the same week? You son of a bitch, I’m in.

Ladies and gentleman, I’m going to solve your child-raising problems in a single blog post. Once your kid is old enough to date, don’t sit them down for “the Talk.” Rather, show them this clip and it’ll alllll work out.

Our third or fourth time in bed together she bit her lip and said she had a confession to make. I tensed up and cupped my nuts protectively to prepare for possible bombshells: crabs, herpes, warts, a psychotic pastor father, a nameless rash. But it was none of that. Instead she said, “I’m not really single. I have a boyfriend.”

David Drake shares an honest truth that most people don’t acknowledge.

Any time I don’t know what to wear, an all-black outfit is usually what I end up going with. It’s simple, full of class, and makes me look slimmer after the ensuing puffiness from a night of boozing. When you’re in a pinch, all-black is an easy, fool-proof option that will always look good.

The bar for men is absurdly low and I love it.

I’ve loved music all my life. You probably have, too, right? Ten bucks says you have.

I don’t go to church. I curse every day. Honor thy father and mother? I literally just wrote a post shitting on my parent’s genetics. All of the sex I’ve ever had has been premarital. Isn’t it clear by now? I’m going to hell.

Russ Williamson shares a story about keeping the holiday spirit going during times of extreme stress and anxiety.

I’ve never gotten laid because of the way I look, which sucks because these looks are fading fast.

Turkey recipes for Thanksgiving 2020, a year in which we are thankful and definitely not crying.

Don’t fib on your resy (too much).

This might sound strange, but I never really had a plan for my life. I always kind of figured I wouldn’t be around that long. I don’t know if that sounds messed up or not. It’s strange to type. But it’s the truth. I spent so much of my twenties running away from my problems, under the cover of “wanting to see the world,” drinking and smoking and ingesting all sorts of toxins, then wandering the streets until drowsy, that it just seemed like this whole show was bound to end abruptly. So why would I ever save my money or have any real long-term plans?

Viral skateboarding TikToker Doggface208 raps N-Word in a newly-surfaced video, sparking debate on whether he should be canceled. An investigation into whether or not it’s acceptable for Latinos to use the N-Word.

Chicago’s own @joeyvcomedy shares how prayer has kept him safe throughout the years.