on Ketosis: Fuck This Shit!

Name a fad diet, I’ve tried it. Carnivore, liquid, plant-based, paleo, intermittent fasting. I was one of those idiot pescatarians for a while, insisting on dropping $60 on sushi meals twice a day.

By far the worst of the bunch is keto. My god, what a stupid idea that is. First off, it’s incredibly difficult to maintain. If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you’ll know that anything difficult is pointless and should not be attempted. I’ve had enough existential crises to know: live a life barely trying, freshly-rolled joint tucked behind your right ear, and just fuckin’ coast, man.

Secondly, you can’t consume any sugar. NONE. So you’re telling me I that if I ever encounter a Luther Burger, I absolutely have to decline? Get the fuck outta here. I know it looks terrible. It shouldn’t work. A cheeseburger with glazed donuts as the bun?! That can’t possibly taste good! But now you’re telling me that I’ll never truly know. I can’t stand for that. It doesn’t matter that I will 100% hate myself after eating it, I still want the possibility of trying it. Even one bite could send my ketosis spiraling out of control, and that is simply too much restraint for a guy who’s spent 4 of the past 5 years living in a van, freshly-rolled joint tucked behind his right ear, fuckin’ coasting.