on Damnation: I'm Going to Hell

Earlier this year, I became somewhat of an internet sensation after sharing the story of a certain Christian family and their cozy restaurant business going absolutely fucking apeshit crazy and being forced to close down seemingly overnight. What a wild ride that was! But it wasn’t as crazy a story as you may think. This family was all like, “You guys are going to hell for not accepting the divinity of Jesus!” But didn’t we already know that? Assuming Christianity is the one true religion, I am seriously fucked for the afterlife. I covet. Honour thy father and thy mother? I literally wrote a post shitting on my genetics. I don’t go to church. All the sex I’ve ever had has been premarital (and a little sweaty). Let’s face it, folks: I’m going to hell.

I can’t imagine it will be all bad. In fact, 666 positives come to mind. I’ll get to be with all of my friends. We’re all blasphemous. Scandalous. We’ve done some shady shit. And worst of all, we remember these times FONDLY! Just a bunch of jackasses, unlike the people of science who simply chose the “wrong path” and ended up in hell for refusing to believe we all came from Adam & Eve. But those guys are so smart, they for sure have developed a fantastic, refreshing cooling system down there by now.

What else ya got, Christians? Chains and whips without a safe word? Kinky! Hell has better art and music and book selections, too. But I guess that’s a wash since we have eternity to spend in our respective afterlives and the Bible, it turns out, is long as shit.

Sure, “the pleasure of being in God’s presence” may trump all of the great things Hell has to offer. But as you and I know, life’s most pleasurable things are most enjoyable when you don’t have them. Pizza and cold beer sound great after a long, hot day. Sleep is amazing when you’re really tired and finally laying in bed. All that sweaty, adulterous sex? It’s actually pretty sweet! But even porn stars need a break. You simply cannot truly enjoy the pleasures of heaven without experiencing the flip side of them. And no description of heaven I have ever read permits sadness.

So I’ll see you in hell, fuckers!