Hello there. I see you are looking under my bed. Welcome. I’m glad you’re here because I’d like to announce that I am running for President of the United States. I am the perfect candidate because unlike Beto O’Rourke, I am not on top of a table, and unlike Joe Biden, I am not kissing or hugging anybody. Instead, I am lying on my stomach, under my bed, far from anything that could be incriminating or, at the very least, remotely be seen as lewd, awkward, or inappropriate behavior. That is why I should be your president.

Being rejected for any reason is difficult, but being rejected because of choices about alcohol has a particular sting. At first it made me feel like a burden, like I had been excluded from a part of society everyone else seem to really enjoy. So I went back to joining in on the fun. Then back off because I disliked feeling like shit for 24 - 48 hours after. Then back on because I’m a weak man. It’s taken some heart-to-hearts and serious introspection to to reframe my thoughts, though the learning curve on sober life has been steep, especially since I’ve previously used booze to power through initial shyness of talking with strangers. And by “previously,” I mean literally this past Sunday.

Well, if you’re thinking of taking on Sober October seriously, or simply supporting someone who is, here are some notes I hope you’ll find helpful.

I am not here to tell you to stop drinking—I am not even here to tell you to stop drinking to get drunk, or to stop drinking alone, or even to stop waking up feeling like you need a drink to get on the level. In fact, I would like to tell you to keep it up and that you are doing a great job!

Baseball is boring. Even baseball fans agree with this. I grew up in Chicago, where people take baseball very seriously. There’s a reason your grandpa loves baseball: It’s because he can nap in the middle of the game. You shouldn’t be able to eat while playing a sport, but baseball is so slow that the players do. Bubble gum, seeds, and even fried chicken. Have a bit of a beer belly but still want to play a professional sport? Baseball is for you. Players are literally mic’d up and talking to announcers while playing in the outfield. Baseball is a waiting game, like fishing. Or looking for a parking spot at a mall in December. It's a sport that was built to be boring, and the boring is what makes baseball an ideal date.

A story as old as time. We fellas gotta let our girls think they’re in charge to keep things in order. But we’re the men of the house, and that means we really run the show. What’s that? Your girl prefers you call it “our house?” Whatever, that’s cool. Let her think that, too.

The first weekend of summer is coming to a close. Wherever you drank this weekend, you were able to escape life’s problems, even if only for a day or two. But tomorrow is Monday, and these problems will still be there. Haunting you. Lingering over you.

Maybe you’re trying to push your problems down, somewhere deep inside yourself, as you try to smile at your reflection in the mirror. There’s no use in that. Your problems are written all over you, and I know them based off of what kind of beer you ordered this weekend.

My brother and sister each have crushes on some dipshits at their school. This is the start of a huge problem. Sure, these are harmless, innocent crushes now. But eventually, when they’re in high school, these kids are going to start asking questions. Questions that they’re too embarrassed or shy to ask our mom or their dad. The thing is, I won’t be able to help them. I have no idea how to tell if someone likes you, let alone how someone will like you in 2032.

Look, let’s start with this: I am no way proud of having written this piece. I started an IG account to promote the website, and I’m not even going to post this shit on there. While this isn’t a topic you’ll find me droning on and on about at bars, it is something that I have gone back-and-forth on enough to warrant further consideration.

Dearest Friends of Mine,

I want to start off by letting you know you’re all my best and most trusted friends. As you may know, due to my strong social skills, I recently became a sponsor for Nutrilite Twist Tubes Detox drinks. Nutrilite Twist Tubes are an all-natural, juice-based detox drink that helped me shave three inches off my waistline in just two weeks without any exercise or other dietary supplements! But I want to assure you that you will always be a friend to me first… and only secondarily do I think of you as a revenue stream for my new “business”.

If getting dumped is a learning experience, it is pretty fair to say that not only have I earned a few PhDs, but have an impressive amount of postdoctoral work in the field as well. Single-hood has, it turns out, treated me quite well. There are nights so goddamn fun, you’ll think you’re dreaming. But if you aren’t up to speed, things can get confusing pretty quickly. What follows is an abbreviated list–a highlight reel, if you will–of this unwanted body of knowledge I have attained. So if you soon find yourself single, give this piece a read. Learn from my mistakes, because I sure as hell won’t.

Here is my plan to finally bag Mexican weather girl Yanet Garcia. Through these playful tactics, I will win her over and leave all of you regular, nine-to-five losers and my old life behind. See you around, fuckers!

Minimalism is where it’s at, my friends. Life is so much more manageable when you have less shit to keep track of. I wake up to peace and serenity. Everything zen. I truly believe that I will live my life this way until the end of my time here. If you aren’t already sold on the minimalist lifestyle, here are the positives that I have enjoyed: