on Dating: What Was Dating Like Before Apps?
God-fucking-damnit, it happened. I was hoping this day would never come, but alas, it is finally here. My little sister admitted that she has a crush on some dweeb in her class. What the fuck, man. This all seems like a cruel joke. I better not see this little fucker, or I’m kicking his ass. Who cares that they’re 12! It’s the principle! I need to set an example so all of the other little shits in her school don’t get any ideas.
I’m definitely getting her those black turtleneck sweaters for her birthday this year. And Christmas. Fuck that.
Alright, maybe I’m overthinking this a little tiny bit. After all, it’s kind of cool that she felt comfortable enough with me to tell me. Our mom doesn’t even know! Ha ha! Well, sis, you’re breaking my heart by telling me this, but at least you’re being honest with m——
Wait, what? You too? You’ve got to be shitting me. Well, now my brother says that HE has a crush, too! Some girl in HIS class. This is fucked! Please stop growing up.
This is the start of a huge problem. Sure, these are harmless, innocent crushes now. But eventually, when they’re in high school, these kids are going to start asking questions. Questions that they’re too embarrassed or shy to ask our mom or their dad. The thing is, I won’t be able to help them. I have no idea how to tell if someone likes you, let alone how someone will like you in 2032.
These days, you meet people through apps instead of through friends. Meeting people at bars? Unheard of in the future.
These are, I’m assuming, the questions they’ll have as I detail to them how dating went down in 2019.
“Wait, wait, wait. You just had to guess if they were attracted to you? Holy shit. That’s terrible.”
“How did you pass time on public transit?”
“I don’t have to ask my friends if someone likes me. We just match on the app. See? See, these are my matches. They all like me.”
“Tell me again about the part with the bars.”
“I mean, sure, I’ve heard of a few people who’ve met that way. But only after noticing they were single when they deleted all of the photos of their ex from Instagram. How did YOU know if someone was single? You had to figure it out? What the fuck does that mean?”
“Wow, that sounds really awkward and anxiety-inducing.”
“I get that it’s ‘just how things were done back then’ but all of this lead up to asking someone out sounds vaguely like stalking to me, in this the year 2032.”
“What is ‘flirting?'… Oh, so it’s one of those old slang terms like necking or petting. What other old slang terms were there?”
“‘Hitting on’ doesn’t mean what I would guess it means, right? Why is it called that?”
“So what’s the difference between ‘flirting’ with someone and just being nice to them and joking around cause you want to be friends?”
“That sounds like a nearly imperceptible difference. Seems like something that would be easy to waste hours on with obsessive analysis, about which you would only really be sure retroactively. If then.”
“How much did you have to ‘flirt’ and ‘hit on’ before you were ‘going steady?’”
“Sorry, I forgot which terms were from when. How much did you have to ‘flirt’ and ‘hit on’ before you were ‘hanging out?’”
“But how did you know for sure it was a date and not just spending time as friends?”
“You had to ‘feel it out’? But wasn’t that what all the ‘flirting’ and ‘hitting on’ was supposed to accomplish?”
“Yes, I am familiar with the term plausible deniability.”
“This is madness. I’m so glad I didn’t exist during that time period. If I had to choose between dating in 2019 and never being born, I honestly don’t know what I would pick. Times were really rough back then.”
“Yeah, no, fuckboys are still a thing.”