on Beer: What Your Favorite Beer Says About You

Coors Light: You’ve had the same haircut for years and suddenly you feel like it no longer suits you and you don’t know what to do.

Old Milwaukee: You probably voted for Trump.

Newcastle Brown Ale: Your Beanie Baby collection sold on eBay for less than you thought it would because they did not come from a smoke-free home.

Modelo: You loved going to Studio 63 and/or Grandbar when they were still open.

Samuel Adams Boston Lager:  You can’t properly pronounce your ‘r’s, and order a “Sam Adams Bawston Lahhgah.”

Any of the Ciders: Your fake eyelashes frequently bend the wrong way, stick to one another, and stab your eyeball when you blink and it usually takes you days to figure out what’s wrong with your eye.

Colt 45: You like to bring your own paper bags to bars and place your beers inside of them. You call this your “street koozie.”

Heineken: You weren’t invited to your friend’s surprise birthday party but you went anyway and now two or three people (depends on who you ask) who helped plan the party are mad at you.

Anthem IPA: You bought a Kevin Durant Nike Air Max backpack on sale because it was a pretty sweet backpack but you don’t like Kevin Durant anymore since he left your shitty city to head West, so you tried to iron on a patch over where it says Kevin Durant but the patch fell off and left this adhesive residue on your backpack.

Miller High Life: Your lips are always chapped even though you put Burt’s on them every single day.

Stella Artois: You really enjoyed going to brunch on Sundays until you got a girlfriend. Now you can’t stand going every weekend and listening to her and her friends talk shit about other women in their yoga class.

Pabst Blue Ribbon: You are addicted to flannel shirts and have the physique of a frail teenage boy.

New Belgium Fat Tire: You have three magnetic parking passes hanging from your rearview mirror (one for your office, one for your gym parking garage, and one for your apartment complex) and you always get them confused.

Miller Lite: You have a bacon gouda sandwich from Starbucks stuck between the driver’s seat and the middle console of your Audi.

Budweiser: Last night your fingers were too covered in Cheeto dust to change the channel so you watched a show you didn’t want to watch.

Keystone Ice: Your landlord came by to fix a creaky door, and saw all of your dirty clothes on the floor and an overflowing garbage can. He’s not giving you a chance to renew your lease.

Not Your Father’s Root Beer: You always make sure to take your contacts out while drinking. Sometimes, you get so fucked up, you forget and try to remove your contacts again. You spend 15 minutes scratching at your eyes, looking for a contact that is not there. You also haven’t washed your hands.

Guinness: You have a blog where you often talk about recreational drug use and recently, your boss overheard you talking about your blog and you fear that he might check out some of your posts and fire you.

Corona: Your bespoke calfskin cowboy boots make a squeaking noise when you walk even though you have had them for more than four months.

Tecate: You are a mechanic who likes to go through the CDs in people’s cars.

Blue Moon: You have dropped your takeout on the floor of a subway car, picked it up, put it back in the takeout container, taken it home, and eaten it.

Old Style: You took in a wayward man a couple of years ago and let him live in the makeshift shed out behind your house and oh my god he’s still living there.

Goose Island 312: You really have to go the bathroom but your roommate and his girlfriend are arguing in the living room so you can’t leave your room or else you will get caught in their crossfire.

Beck’s: You are dating someone who is not a Christian but you told your parents that he or she is a Christian; also you once projectile shat in a Burger King bathroom.

Amstel Light: The best concert you have ever been to was the free Smashmouth show at your local town’s festival in 2005.

Dogfish Head: You live in a house where raw sewage often bubbles up from the shower drain. When it does you squish it back down the drain with your feet.