on 2020: I Am Running for President
Hello there. I see you are looking under my bed. Welcome. I’m glad you’re here because I’d like to announce that I am running for President of the United States. I am the perfect candidate because unlike Beto O’Rourke, I am not on top of a table, and unlike Joe Biden, I am not kissing or hugging anybody. Nope. Never done anything bad. Instead, I am lying on my stomach, under my bed, far from anything that could be incriminating or, at the very least, remotely be seen as lewd, awkward, or inappropriate behavior. That is why I should be your president.
For over two centuries we have had presidents (men) who have started wars, bombed cities, and died (RIP, Abe). For anyone saying that “it is time for a woman who has done none of these things,” let me ask you one thing: Please do not interrupt my official announcement.
Americans want change. They don’t want what old, hack politicians stand for. That’s where I come in because I’m not standing for anything, or standing at all. Is this clear? I am lying down. I am very tired.
It’s true, there are some amazing women candidates, but they’ve already received complaints: Warren is too serious, Gillibrand is too tall, Klobuchar is too funny. I get it. I am none of these things. Especially the woman part!
If you elect me, a man who sleeps under his bed, as your president, I can promise no more wall, no more bans, and no more new racist laws. Why? Because I am too lazy to get anything done. My current job requires me to get up at, like, 4:30am or 5am some days. It sucks! But it pays for this huge bed frame that rests a whole two feet off of the floor. And I have found the perfect way to lie down and that is a lot for one person to do in a lifetime. We should all unite as a country and be proud of me.
Many politicians flip-flop on their positions, but mine has, for the most part, remained the same. SOMETIMES I’ll flip, if someone makes a better point than me or if the crowd tends to agree with them — but I will never flop. America deserves a consistent president who strongly maintains the same position: in my case, on my stomach under my bed.
Please go vote for me, because I cannot physically go myself. Vote for a male president that serves your needs, especially if your needs are something I can do while lying on the floor of my bedroom, like having a dream about winning a large trophy. I want each and every little boy out there to know that he is one good decision away from becoming the “leader of the free country.” I want every city in America to become “the city that always sleeps.” Until we all figure out how to be cozy, we can never feel truly free. Thank you.
Actually, wait, before you go, will you pass me that pillow from across the room? Thank you. God bless America and goodnight. The switch is by the door there. Thanks. ‘Preciate it!