This is the Instagram Comment That Will Finally Ignite My Relationship with Yanet Garcia
I’ve never been one to run away from my failures. It’s been months since I began commenting on Yanet Garcia’s Instagram photos and not once has the comment led to a single favorite, follow-back, or @ reply. Much less a genuine relationship. These mounting, unrequited bits of affection, which to some might signify the mind of a romantically adept gentleman with the heart of Cupid, whose single error is that he has heartbreakingly chosen the wrong target for his tender arrow, to me signify only progress. Steps made on the path to achieving my ultimate goal. No, she has not made any attempt to confirm that she has so much as read my notes, but did I expect immediate results? And if I did, have I not revised that expectation to meet my current reality?
Of course, my self-esteem allows for the possibility of some close calls.
I imagine Yanet in her dressing room after doing her weather bit, checking the responses to her latest IG photo—her figure silhouetted against the brightly lit HOY stage. She scrolls past the usual comments. “QUE CHULAAAA Y HERMOSAAA!!!!!”s blur together; she doesn’t even pause to give those followers the tiny flutter of visibility one feels when a celebrity’s eyes pass over his or her IG username. Then, just before Yanet gives up on finding anything worthwhile among the tens of thousands of comments, her breath catches in her chest. She reads my comment aloud, slowly, in her sometimes unintelligible, always sexy accent:
“u look so good, proud of you sexy lol, bleep bloop”
Whoa.
She giggles, allowing herself to imagine a life in which she might pursue this man, this @of_rangel—but only until her boyfriend walks in. “Mi vida, estoy tan cansado. Ya vamonos a la casa.” She nods as the fantasy fades. Fuck! So close!
While that is certainly the instance I’ve spent the most time imagining, another time I like to think I came close was when, after Yanet posted a photo in which she was working out at the squat rack, I commented:
“need a workout partner? lol #45s #queen lol love you sexy”
As it was coupled with the flexing arm emoji, I think this was the closest she’s ever come to clicking through to my profile, leaving that dipshit boyfriend, and giving this damn-near-30-year-old man from southside Chicago a chance.
That is, to the best of my knowledge, the closest she’s ever come… until today. Today, I’ve left a comment that, I believe, is fucking gold. This is the comment that will finally ignite my relationship with Yanet Garcia.
At this point I do think that it would make sense to impart some of the wisdom I’ve gained from months of Instagram commenting (formerly on Ana Cheri’s photos, currently on Yanet’s photos, as you know). You’ve got to find a balance between bold and lighthearted. Let her know that you think she looks good, but add an “lol” so she knows both that you have a sense of humor and that you understand the slight absurdity found in such a forward comment. Point out something specific. Is it a screenshot, and can you tell by the screenshot that her cell phone’s battery is running low? Hit her with, “looks like sOOomebodys gotta charge her phone lol.” Humans, even celebrities, love being seen.
Oh, and you might be wondering why, after a perfectly good Instagram comment, I added “bleep bloop.” Let me answer your question with a question of my own: After you read those tossed-off, silly words, did I seem a little more chill? A little bit more like a funny, cool, chill, handsome guy? Exactly.
How will I think back on my life before Yanet and I got together? More importantly, how will she think back on all of those months spent ignoring my pursuits? Oh, I hope she doesn’t feel too guilty. Of course I’ll stress that I understand why she was so slow to accept my advances—she is one of the most famous people in the world, and I was but one voice in a sea of “fans.” Ha-ha, how silly that term will seem then. Her man, once a mere fan. I’m smiling at the thought of it.
That isn’t to say that the pain won’t exist. While I’ll understand intellectually why it took her so long to give me a chance, emotionally it will be a difficult thing to move past. But I believe that if something is good, it’s worth working on.
Perhaps I should savor these last few moments before my life changes forever. My days seem so simple. I do, after all, live in a van 5 months out of the year. I hope she’s cool with that. I’m also afraid to let anyone close to me, out of fear that they can hurt me like others simply can’t. So I hope she’s also ready to put an insane amount of work in winning me over. And I hope she’s patient, especially since I can’t afford a lot of the restaurants that she’s been showing off on her Stories.
Ah, it was a good, quiet start to life. But it will certainly be different from my life with Yanet Garcia.
PS: The comment is “y don’t u follow back? lol just think itd be nice ;)”
