Things More Majestic and Miserable Than You Could Ever Imagine
“Christian, we need to talk.”
This from the voice on the other end of the phone. It is in this feeble, insecure, and uncertain frame of mind that I am hearing these words. It’s always good to watch the news when you’re being broken up with, I’ve come to learn. Like, tell your girlfriend or boyfriend or whoever to hold on for a sec, then change the channel and raise the volume. Somehow, the news always manages to put things into perspective. While you’re being broken up with over the phone, you can see that a snowstorm somewhere has claimed several victims and that there has been another shooting in Back of the Yards, maybe even something simple like eating a single piece of fruit a day will reduce your chances of heart disease. And you feel this surge of confidence and gratitude that comes from knowing you’re not dead in a blizzard somewhere and that you have a chance at beating cardiac arrest by hucking a big-ass apple at the Grim Reaper and nailing him right on the side of his head.
“Being with you has been greater than anything I could have ever asked for. You know I love you, we’ve shared so much laughter, you’ve made me so happy—andsotodayIwillbebreakingupwithyou—and because you’ve been such a great person, I would still like to be friends more or less, perhaps later on in the future, you know, once you get over this, if the opportunity should arise, possibly, if it should all work out, to some degree.”
Whoa! Did you hear that? Crammed in there between all the flattering stuff and the strange, almost politically correct, benign, and vague promise to still remain in your life, they … they … totally dumped your ass. Your stomach falls and you can feel your blood go a bit thin, because no matter what anybody says, and no matter how much you may have expected it over the past few weeks or months, when you are dumped, you feel it. And so while you sit there watching the news, there is a small delusion of reprieve that will play in your head. The same voice in your head that told you that maybe being in a relationship would be the most exciting, fun thing you could experience in your life. Believe me, friends: that little voice is really, really dumb. What if I told you that being single is one of the best things that could have happened to you? What if I told you that only now were you about to start having fun?
When I was kid, dating was awesome. Of course, when I was a kid, I didn’t have to deal with it. Dating was what Christian-of-the-Future would one day enjoy. Christian-as-a-Child obsessed with dating no more than Boomer-Christian will one day obsess with … what’s something old people enjoy? Nice breezes? Let’s say nice breezes. Anyways, if getting dumped is a learning experience, it is pretty fair to say that not only have I earned a few PhDs, but have an impressive amount of postdoctoral work in the field as well. Of these truths and lessons learned, some have been so fantastic that I would have never believed them to be possible if I hadn’t experienced them myself; others, so soul-crushingly brutal that I could never wish such trauma onto another without the feeling of overwhelming guilt. The catch is that you can never just experience one of these. They go hand-in-hand as you will soon learn. What follows, though, is an abbreviated list–a highlight reel, if you will–of this unwanted body of knowledge I have attained. Here, dear reader, is where the fun starts.
1.) Majestic: You know the person you dated so long your young, naive self is eager to break up with, but has such a hold on you that you can’t seem to get away no matter what you do? Don’t worry! You won’t be stuck with her forever after all!
Miserable: That intense desire you once felt to be free can turn, overnight, into an unbearable months-long fit of jealousy, rage, sobbing, and late-nite Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream binges. This can be triggered simply by finding out that she is quite happy and comfortable without you.
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2.) Majestic: You will soon meet a woman who can only be described as interesting, passionate, deep, and full of conversation as she is mind-blowingly attractive. Every single guy around you will desperately try to get into her pants. When you meet such a specimen, you will assume you have absolutely no shot with her. Good news, you’re wrong! Additionally, being with the one woman everyone else seems to want can make you feel better about yourself than any antidepressant ever concocted by modern science.
Miserable: You will also realize that all of these other men out there will pounce the minute she dumps you. This is a situation that she will feel no compunction about taking full advantage of.
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3.) Majestic: The average Chicago six-way intersection, it so happens, is packed with incredibly entertaining bars and clubs. Within the walls of these establishments are a staggering amount of young, budding attractives at any given moment. There will be a bountiful selection of beautiful, interesting, and single women, all of whom are willing to donate a portion of their night to dancing and drinking and flirting with you. This will be pretty much as amazing as you’re imagining. I cannot emphasize this point enough.
Miserable: The majority of these women will be wild and unpredictable. They can fall head over heels for you, but if you aren’t up to speed, they can just as easily—mere days after declaring they can’t stand to be without you—pull a complete 180 and ghost you.
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4.) Majestic: Fantasy women you’ve seen on Instagram and runways—the kind who are usually in relationships with pro sports athletes, famous actors, or lead singers of popular bands are, it’s fair to assume, permanently relegated in your brain to the That’ll Never Happen category. In fact, going out with one is so outside your range of expectations, you probably wouldn’t believe it was happening even if you were in the middle of actually doing so. But, guess what? Wrong again, dickhead!
Miserable: Spending the night with this woman and looking over, realizing the decidedly male items littering the nightstand on your side of the bed belong to the movie star/athlete/actor she is “still in the process of breaking up with” is far less glamorous and much more stressful than you’d think. And then being told the following morning on your way out, repeatedly, that she “can’t wait to see you next” doesn’t mean you’ll actually ever hear from her. Even if she continues to flirt with you every time you run into each other. This process can last not one, not two, but seven months, until the both of you have firmly established a love/hate codependency not dissimilar from the Miami economy’s relationship with cocaine.
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5.) Majestic: A period of creativity will result. You will swear off women to paint, direct, cook, or write. This little project will keep you distracted and productive.
Miserable: A painting, film, meal, or short story cannot replace a woman’s affection. Once you realize this, it sucks.
As with any aspect in life, there will always come some bad with whatever good you encounter. You have to pay an unwieldy tax when you win the lottery. You have to deal with messy roommates, regardless of how awesome your apartment may be. And, no matter how attractive the person you date is, they will always come with baggage. The art, I’ve come to learn, is to take things as they come to you. If you want something, go for it and worry about the other shit later. But what about people who have no idea where to start? I’ve been there. Waking up on that first day of newly-acquired singlehood and not having the slightest idea of what I could do to pass the time. It’s common, since we all let ourselves fall into routines. Tuesday’s used to be Trivia Nights at bars with one girl and her friends. Thursday’s used to be bowling and beers with another. 11:11 would be the time I’d receive calls from another woman, letting me know exactly what she wished for at that specific time.
Maybe you’ve suffered from the same problem. Maybe you’d like to know what to do now, especially with all of this free time on your hands. This is where the process of putting yourself out there begins.
1.) Get the fuck off Facebook – Stay offline for a while. If you don’t, you’re bound to post the ‘classic’ status we use to make it seem like we’re doing fine, when in reality everyone knows we are miserable. Here’s an example:
2.) Step Outside Your Comfort Zone – This one is more of a case-by-case basis, but we all have that one thing we hate doing. You should go do it. Take me, for example. I can’t dance, so when I got dumped by one girl, I joined a dance class. I’m as bad a dancer as you’ll find, so my first thought was to get better at it. What I didn’t know at the time was that you must first possess some sort of skill in the art before you can get better at it. The professor applauded me during the final class. Not because I completed it or became any better, but because she knew she’d never have to deal with me again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, but I’m glad I put myself out there.
3.) Travel – This is the quickest way to understand that there is a whole world out there, beyond the parameters of your apartment. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. Go outside and talk to some of them.
4.) Ask Someone Out – This could very well be the best solution to get over someone. Of course, assess the situation and make sure the person shows some interest in you. Don’t rely on some fucking pickup line. And don’t let rejection get the better of you. As long as you’re not approaching the situation like some creepy asshole, keep swingin’.
5.) Start Getting Some Strange – You ever find an old cell phone and think to yourself, “Man, I used to get so much ass with this thing!”? Well, find the charger for that prehistoric artifact, power it up, flip through your old messages, and get back in touch with your younger, naive self.
Singlehood, it turns out, ain’t half-bad. Sure, there have been some lonely nights mixed in with some awkward mornings. However, the good, the bad, and the in-between that came with are all things I signed up for and then some. As scary as you think single life may be, it’s actually very empowering. The childlike vulnerability you feel at the beginning? The world out there will toughen you up until you have a callous-ridden body unfazed to the elements.
Strangely enough—and hear me out on this—, after a surprisingly brief elapse of time, you will no longer give two shits about any person you were once so devastated about that you sacrificed a bit of yourself for. There are, in case you’ve failed to look around, other people out there that you haven’t even met yet. A common tendency among those who have been dumped is to strive to show everyone—including themselves—that they are doing great. But it’s no longer about anyone else, so screw everyone’s opinions. Being single is the ultimate time to be selfish. Learn to love yourself. You’ve already sampled the inevitably deep, ensuing depression and boredom, two flavors that are quintessential to life’s palate.
You can now make some progress. You may stumble here and there, but you will never be worse off than where you started. You didn’t have to suffer through a snowstorm, shooting, or heart disease. What happened may have been a blow to your self-esteem, but there’s no reason you can’t get up, dust yourself off, and try again. You’ve survived. You’ve fucking survived. And if these facts don’t bring a tear of hope to your eye, then I’m sorry, but you simply aren’t human.