rangeldoesnotexist.com/fuck/off/merch for merch. Please make sure you follow and subscribe and like and comment and hit the bell to be notified when I write more bullshit.

For as long as I can remember, my defense mechanism has been shrugging shit off. And boyyy have I gotten good at it.

Further proof that the White Sox organization is the worst in baseball.

I never stood a chance. That entire theory of us human beings starting off as a blank slate is all a bunch of bullshit. There are particular traits that I learned from my parents before I was ever able to form a cohesive thought.

RIP @mcfaddenschicago.

Jameson, beer towers, and women dancing on the bar guaranteed every Thursday evening. We never deserved you.

Same mfers that want a wall built will go out wearing a sombrero to the bars tonight. Smh.

Click for my meal plan, which includes recipes such as putting a lil spinach on your double bacon cheeseburgers and shaking your finger at packs of Oreos.

I am so fucking lost right now.

You know how people get scammed by tarot card readers, psychics, mediums, and the like? Well this post is like that, except the opposite. Just click and read.

We are just built different, folks.

August 2016.

Detroit, MI.

As we pre-game in the amphitheater parking lot before a Hall & Oates concert, we notice someone a couple cars over struggling to fire up his lighter. We huddle around him to block the wind and he in turn shares his freshly-lit joint with us. He is there with his wife. She is designated driver while he gets absolutely shit-housed. He insists on shotgunning beers with us. She cheers us on. He has edibles. She asks us to help him finish them. We oblige.

I am no longer on dating apps like Tinder or Bumble. It was a destructive obsession of mine for years as I traveled the states livin’ that VanLife. Not a good look. Very unhealthy state of mind. You lose a certain respect for people, in this case it was women, when you are basing everything off of a profile picture.

At this very odd time in my life, I find myself working at both a dispensary and a bar. I am surrounded by inebriated people all day, every day. It never ends. You’d think that my days just blend together, but there is a noticeable difference in these environments: I actually respect the people walking into my bar.

Real people living in the real world do not have the time or energy to be offended. We are out here getting shit done, contributing to society. If you must be #woke, consider taking offense to actual atrocities and not fictional characters. If you’ve ever watched Toy Story and complained about gender roles, please realize how lucky you are to be in such a position.

@meanie breaks it down.

Name a fad diet, I’ve tried it. Carnivore, liquid, plant-based, paleo, intermittent fasting. I was one of those idiot pescatarians for a while, insisting on dropping $60 on sushi meals twice a day.

By far the worst of the bunch is keto. My god, what a stupid idea that is.

When I don’t have shit to talk to you about, I bring up the weather. Ol’ reliable!

Sean Patton shares a surefire way to spice things up this Valentine’s Day.

Making and losing a million dollars in the same week? You son of a bitch, I’m in.

Ladies and gentleman, I’m going to solve your child-raising problems in a single blog post. Once your kid is old enough to date, don’t sit them down for “the Talk.” Rather, show them this clip and it’ll alllll work out.

Our third or fourth time in bed together she bit her lip and said she had a confession to make. I tensed up and cupped my nuts protectively to prepare for possible bombshells: crabs, herpes, warts, a psychotic pastor father, a nameless rash. But it was none of that. Instead she said, “I’m not really single. I have a boyfriend.”