on Baseball: The Unwritten Rules of America's Pastime that Are Totally Normal & Reasonable
“We were taught from day one to respect the game, respect the competition, respect the opponent… You don’t swing 3-0 when you’re up by that big a lead.”
— White Sox manager Tony La Russa, expressing disappointment in star rookie Yermin Mercedes for hitting a home run when his team was winning, 5/18/21
Rule 1
If a team is down by a lot of runs, they should stop trying to win the game. And the other team should stop trying to score. And the fans should fall into a deep, awful sleep. That’s how the game is supposed to be enjoyed: not at all.
Rule 2
If your team has a big lead near the end of the game, you should just stand motionless in the batter’s box and let the pitcher play catch with the catcher.
Rule 3
If you hit a home run, don’t you dare look at it. Look straight ahead while you jog around the bases at a not-too-fast, not-too-slow pace. Suppress all joy. You should be ashamed of being good at the sport you’re playing.
Rule 4
Don’t celebrate anything, actually. Don’t show any emotion. The players should be stoic and the fans eerily quiet and still. Anyone who walks in late should think an episode of The Twilight Zone is being filmed.
Rule 5
If the pitcher is throwing a no-hitter, you’re not allowed to bunt. You should just stand in the batter’s box and let the pitcher throw the ball. Simply put, you should help the pitcher finish throwing his no-hitter.
Rule 6
No smiling.
Rule 7
Don’t do anything new. Does that make sense? If you figure out a novel way to score or win or whatever, you’re just making everyone who used to play and never thought to do that feel bad.
Rule 8
Pretty much anything that looks or seems fun is off-limits. This is a game — games aren’t supposed to be fun, asshole. Ask any child or human person.
Rule 9
If a player breaks any one of these rules, someone else should throw a hard baseball around 90 or so miles per hour at their head. This is completely reasonable and totally normal. Baseball!