words

I have a well-documented history of bad decisions. Actually, now that I think about it, “bad decisions” doesn’t emphasize this enough. Lack of insight is maybe a better way of putting it. Or, no, I got it, I got it: Being a fucking idiot. Yep, that’s it. Being a fucking idiot. That’s how I would phrase it: I have a well-documented history of being a fucking idiot.

Dude I don’t get football. I can’t “draft.” I don’t “Madden.” What the fuck do you mean “let’s tailgate?”

About a month ago, when Chicago’s mask mandate was reinstated, I received an email from the bar I work at on weekends. The owner, who I can only assume gets his news updates exclusively from Fox News, was convinced that the city was hell-bent on “writing citations with hefty fines to collect revenue and grab headlines away from carjackings, murders and mayhem.”

I gasped and then took a long pull of my Sauvignon Blanc. I mean, I know things are looking rough out there. I’ve even noticed a few THE END IS NEAR! signs being held on street corners while strolling downtown. But now this was getting out of hand. “Holy shit,” I mouthed to myself, “This world really is going to hell.” And just as I was beginning to get worked up, I could hear The Bachelorette come on in the other room.

Dear People Who Say Summer Isn’t Over Yet,

Shut the fuck up.

Yes, I — a complete stranger on the internet — deliberately took your money in exchange for floor seats to a ZZ Top concert. Yes, those very same floor seats that were neither realistically priced nor ever actually in my possession. Now, instead of perseverating on the money you lost and riffs you won’t hear, consider what you do own: an opportunity to grow wiser.

I OFFICIALLY GIVE UP. For the past few years, I have spent far too much time and money doing things that I thought made me cool. I began working from cafés, looking like I didn’t want to be disturbed. I developed the terrible habit of ordering PBRs at bars even though they taste terrible. I’ve purchased several (several) overpriced t-shirts from various designers because GQ recommended that I do so. I went paleo.

However, at the end of all of these escapades, I have come to a single conclusion: I’m really tired. I’m folding, or whatever it is they say when they give up in poker, which I’ve never really made the effort to learn. Does folding mean quitting?

Love you, mom! But the last year and a half really reminded me of what it was like growing up under your rules!

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For as long as I can remember, my defense mechanism has been shrugging shit off. And boyyy have I gotten good at it.

Further proof that the White Sox organization is the worst in baseball.

I never stood a chance. That entire theory of us human beings starting off as a blank slate is all a bunch of bullshit. There are particular traits that I learned from my parents before I was ever able to form a cohesive thought.

RIP @mcfaddenschicago.

Jameson, beer towers, and women dancing on the bar guaranteed every Thursday evening. We never deserved you.

Same mfers that want a wall built will go out wearing a sombrero to the bars tonight. Smh.

Click for my meal plan, which includes recipes such as putting a lil spinach on your double bacon cheeseburgers and shaking your finger at packs of Oreos.

I am so fucking lost right now.

You know how people get scammed by tarot card readers, psychics, mediums, and the like? Well this post is like that, except the opposite. Just click and read.

We are just built different, folks.

August 2016.

Detroit, MI.

As we pre-game in the amphitheater parking lot before a Hall & Oates concert, we notice someone a couple cars over struggling to fire up his lighter. We huddle around him to block the wind and he in turn shares his freshly-lit joint with us. He is there with his wife. She is designated driver while he gets absolutely shit-housed. He insists on shotgunning beers with us. She cheers us on. He has edibles. She asks us to help him finish them. We oblige.

I am no longer on dating apps like Tinder or Bumble. It was a destructive obsession of mine for years as I traveled the states livin’ that VanLife. Not a good look. Very unhealthy state of mind. You lose a certain respect for people, in this case it was women, when you are basing everything off of a profile picture.