on The Bachelorette: Meet the Cast of Season 36, Premiering Summer 2040
About a month ago, when Chicago’s mask mandate was reinstated, I received an email from the bar I work at on weekends. The owner, who I can only assume gets his news updates exclusively from Fox News, was convinced that the city was hell-bent on “writing citations with hefty fines to collect revenue and grab headlines away from carjackings, murders and mayhem.”
I gasped and then took a long pull of my Sauvignon Blanc. I mean, I know things are looking rough out there. I’ve even noticed a few THE END IS NEAR! signs being held on street corners while strolling downtown. But now this was getting out of hand. “Holy shit,” I mouthed to myself, “This world really is going to hell.” And just as I was beginning to get worked up, I could hear The Bachelorette come on in the other room.
I was curious. I had never sat through an entire episode. Never even made it to a commercial before quickly changing the channel. I sat down for the intro which was, admittedly, very entertaining. So much drama. So much absurdity. Lord help me, I was hooked. And just like that, 2 hours passed and I was ready for bed.
Now as I sit here typing away, I can’t help but think: You know why things are getting so crazy out there? Because we’re all distracted by the hottest TV show in America. This country is going to shit and no one is doing a goddamn thing about it, all because we can’t get enough of The Bachelorette.
If this keeps up, I wonder what the cast will look like in 20 or so years…
Blake, 26, is an organ harvester from Boston, MA. He dreams of one day getting his pilot’s license so he can expand his business across the remaining 43 of these United States.
Charles, 27, is a fun-loving professional E-Sports player who is saving his heart for the right woman and tattoable surface of his skin for the right branded opportunity.
Donnie, 26, an indentured servant to Disney. Was sold when his parents could not pay their mortgage because of his father’s costly cancer treatment. He loves Epcot, Disney’s Animal Kingdom, and all Marvel properties. He is almost free. Mom, Dad, if you’re out there, please come find me. I—
Ted, 70, Leader of the great country of Texas who has recently used his executive powers to re-sign into law the terrible abortion law of 2021. Viewed by many as a long-shot this season.
Jared, 29, is a brand consultant and philanthropist. He founded a non-profit factory in his hometown that allows underprivileged children to work to earn money for shoes.
Noah, 28, is a political consultant who is no longer allowed to enter the continent of Europe.
Aaron, 25, is a male model and world traveler who loves to rip it up on the dance floor. He met the last living elephant, Josie, before she was tragically killed by a malfunctioning Amazon delivery drone.
Mason D, 27, is a freelance social worker who lives in a condemned building in Chicago, IL. He was forced there for being one of the leading voices against the Great Purge of the year 2029.
Liam, 30, is a security professional. From 2037 to 2039, he interned with Bill + Hillary Clinton’s private execution team, personally murdering hundreds of campaign employees for thought crimes and time theft.
Christian, 51, huge fan of the show. Has a lovely wife at home and uses every moment in front of the camera to wave to her. Applied for this show on a dare. Leaves on his own accord on the first night because he “misses the Mrs.”
David, 33, conspiracy theorist with the largest Youtube subscriber following in history.
Scott, 31, is a geologist who spends his free time at sea, searching for California.
It will be spectacular. It will be shocking. And I’ll be retching and cheering louder than anyone.