words

C’mon. We all tell ‘em.

Trump is back and the media shit show has officially commenced. Sure, he’s a fucking clown. But clowns are funny! So just sit back and enjoy the show.

Here’s a piece I wrote during his last presidency. While out to dinner, my friends and I try to figure out the craziness of the world we live in…while also trying to order food. The staff is short and so is our patience.

Those climate-change activist shitbags are doing it all wrong. You’re not supposed to ruin art. You’re supposed to fake-appreciate it.

Yes, climate change is very much happening, but just accept that we will never do a damn thing about it. So stop rubbing Spaghetti-O’s on the Mona Lisa thinking you’re making a fucking difference.

Instead, start learning how to fake an appreciation of the fine arts. Sew your way into the artsy crowd and reap the benefits. Here, a fool-proof guide.

I didn’t win the Powerball and though most people would agree that I’m the most deserving candidate, c’est la vie.

Autumn is here, and that means it’s time to start layering like a motherfucker. If you’re not careful, before you know it you’re out in public wearing six different pieces of clothing, all in different colors, looking sloppy as fuck.

For the last few years, I have done a damn good job at detailing my various fuckups on this website.

That all changes today.

There’s a reason I haven’t been able to advance every stage of my life to my liking. Whether it be my career, social connections, or dating life. None of these are where I want them to be. But that’s about to change, baby!

Yes, I take Augusts off every year. It’s a self-imposed exile from the blank page. This blog is therapeutic, so the last thing I want is for this to feel like fucking homework.

So even though I take a break each year, I’m still writing, asshole. I would never forget about you. You complete me.

Speaking of writing, here’s a little breakdown of my writing process.

Relax, ya boy has not really joined a cult. I almost did once, though. It all began with a single invitation in the mail. What followed was a series of events so weird that to this day I can’t really explain what happened to me.

It’s difficult to describe, but there’s just this energy that some people emit that makes them too damn smooth.

Shane Gillis shares some advice from a friend much smoother than him.

As is customary, I will be taking August off from the blog. You know the best way to keep the creative spirit alive? Pretty simple, it turns out. All you need to do is put the phone down and walk out the front door.

A story as old as time.

Also a drawing brought to you by rangeldoesnotexist.com

In an effort to get healthier, I’ve cut the booze and upped the h2O. Only problem is now I’m pissing like crazy. Is that normal?

Working in the industry is really taxing on your body. During the week, you can meal-plan and lift weights as much as you want, but come that first shift at the bar, your efforts become all but fruitless. You eat whatever you can get your hands on. Countless FREE beers, shots, and Claws with regulars and your brothers in arms. Your sleep schedule? FUBAR.

Now that my bar has closed, it’s time I regain control of my health. After careful planning and strategy, I’ve developed a fool-proof plan that will get me absolutely fucking ripped by summer’s end. And because I’m such a nice guy, I’m going to share my routine with you.

Here are some tips that you’ll actually be able to follow. The best part? You can still drink while on my nutrition plan.

Disclaimer: I am not a physician and these tips will not actually help you get healthier.

The bar I’ve worked at for years just shut their doors for good. Finding myself without a side hustle, I try to write a sitcom.

I spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME Googling “1-star reviews.” But there is, I believe, a special subset of 1-star reviews out there. Think about it: which industry has the most hilarious 1-star reviews?

There’s a great scene in Half Baked where Dave Chappelle’s character goes on a date with $8 to his name. He is really into this gorgeous woman who he feels is way out of his league. But he goes on the date and it goes so incredibly well, he even impresses himself.