on 1-Star Reviews

I spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME Googling “1-star reviews.” But there is, I believe, a special subset of 1-star reviews out there. Think about it: which industry has the most hilarious 1-star reviews?

Restaurants? Nope.
Hotels? Close!
Gyms? No, stop guessing, asshole.

Barbershops! A shitty meal may ruin your night, but a shitty haircut will ruin your goddamn month. Here, my dear friends, is the single funniest barbershop review you will ever see.

Link to the review here. Copied below for ease.

This is, hands down, the single worst haircut I have ever had in my entire time on planet Earth. I cannot stress that enough. That is not hyperbole, that is bedrock, undeniable truth. What these guys do with hair is completely inexcusable, and the fact that they expect money in return for the "service" they are providing simply breaks the laws of logic.

I moved to Astoria in 2009 and didn't know much about the area (or Yelp, at the time). When I needed a haircut, I walked around until I saw a sign that said "Barber Shop". I didn't notice the "Ca$h 4 Gold" sign outside until I left, but apparently, I could have sold my watch while I was sitting in the chair. Had I only known.

My barber would not shut up when he was cutting my hair. I don't mean to me - I don't mind a little small talk when getting my hair cut. This guy was carrying on conversations with three other people in the shop, and kept turning away from my hair to deal with them. He then put on a Transformers 2 DVD (Transformers 2 was still in theaters, the shop ALSO runs a bootleg DVD service) so his friends could watch. I looked up at one point and saw him watching the DVD WHILE CUTTING MY HAIR.

Let me repeat that. He was wielding a pair of scissors near my HEAD while he was visibly paying attention to the tv. He wasn't facing me at all; his scissors were in his hands and cutting my hair, and his head was turned 90 degrees to his right.

I said to him, "Excuse me, my head's over here, do you mind-"

He cut me off, "Oh, I'm sorry! Absolutely, what was I thinking?"

He then turned to me, then TURNED MY CHAIR TOWARDS THE TV SO WE COULD BOTH WATCH THE MOVIE WHILE HE CUT MY HAIR. I asked him to turn me back to the mirror, he finally did.

I obviously didn't go back there. I found a salon nearby that was WONDERFUL (They're now called Studio and moved to just off the corner of Ditmars Blvd and 21st St.), when they were open. Last fall, I needed a hair cut for an interview the very next day, and Studio was unfortunately closed. If I didn't have an interview the very next day, I'd have waited, but I couldn't. So "Barber Shop" it was.

I walked in and no one was in the chairs (surprisingly enough), so I sat down right away. I had a different barber (thank GOD), but as soon as he spoke I knew I was in for hell.

He looked at my hair, laughed, and said, "What, did some woman cut this last?"

Yeah, a woman did cut it last, asshole, and it was 5,000 times better than any experience I've ever had in your pawn shop/DVD bootleggery/barber shop clusterfuck. The interview the next day kept me from flying off the handle. I just had it cut and got out of there.

Getting out of the shower, I noticed that when my hair fell flat across my forehead, there was a clear, obvious "step" in the bangs' line. Literally, went across my brow left to right at one length, then just about at the middle of my right eye, the length shortened by about an inch.

Literally, this:
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I was able to comb it and put gel in it enough for my interview the next day that it wasn't noticeable, if you're wondering.

I will never, ever, ever go back into this place again. It was the worst, it is the worst, it will never stop being the worst. You can literally have a better experience cutting your hair yourself. Walk in here and you will be taunted and your physical well-being threatened, and your hair will look absolutely ridiculous.

This is the single worst barber shop on the planet, in my experience. Fuck "Barber Shop".

PS
Seriously, that's its name. "Barber Shop". Not "Sal's Barber Shop" or "Joe's Barber Shop" or "The Barber Shop", just "Barber Shop".