on the Future: I Am A Motherfucking Psychic

For the last few years, I have done a damn good job at detailing my various fuckups on this website. I’ve shared stories about accidentally filling an STD test cup with semen instead of urine, dancing with the DUI devil, Tinder details I regret, and a lot more.

Well, dear friends, it’s now time to talk about the amazing decisions I’ve made in my life. There are times when, you may be surprised to find out, I have been ahead of the curve. While all of my friends and colleagues were looking one way, I’d say, “Fuuuck this,” and ditch the herd. At the time, I had no idea I was making the right choice. Looking back, I can only help but smile and wipe away the single tear of pride running down my cheek.

Here, a synopsis:

I bought two Bitcoins in March of 2017.
Got in at $1,300. Sold them both in September of that year for $3,600 each. Had I hung on, I could’ve made around $120k. Fuck!

I left Chicago for the suburbs in 2019, right before the pandemic hit.
I moved to the suburbs to save money. I was traveling over half of the year for my job and hemorrhaging money on rent for an apartment I didn’t even live in. Making the move was a no-brainer. But then someone ate a fucking bat (or a scientist was careless in a Wuhan lab, depending on who you talk to).

Went from getting paid to see the world to, after getting laid off during the pandemic, working multiple minimum wage jobs just to survive. I drove a forklift, worked overnights at a dispensary, and weekends at a bar in Chicago. Fuck that bat!

I’ve been body-positive since before it was cool.
I’ve always had a thing for thiccc women. Never had a problem playing wingman for my buddies at bars. My friends would joke that I loved fat chicks when, in reality, I have always been attracted to a fuller figure. This went on for years, and I just accepted the taunts. These days, body positivity is a real thing and my friends can’t call anyone fat without a good, old fashioned public shaming. Now who’s laughing, bitch!?

I was avoiding #MeToo-esque toxic behavior my entire life.

Instead of getting laid on a first date, I’d just lie to my friends that we had a wiiiild time. Now you have to remember, since this was pre-MeToo, when you didn’t get laid, you would be made fun of incessantly by your homies for not being good enough to seal the deal. If you didn’t fuck a woman on the first date, it meant something was wrong with you. How wild is that? I just never felt right pressuring a woman to invite me in after a date, let alone some coitus. My mom did a good job after all, I suppose. I avoided some serious trouble. Don’t believe me? Ask Aziz Ansari.

I lived the #VanLife since before it was cool. Even got paid to do it!
#VanLife culture has taken the country by storm. People ditching the monotony of the nine-to-five grind to buy a sprinter van, turn it into a livable mobile home, and hit the road. These days, if you want to get paid for doing this, you’ll have to start some bullshit Instagram page. But not me. I found a job that let me drive a Sprinter van across the country for months, all while getting paid.

I’ve been matching brown with black for forever.
For years people would go out of their way to tell me that this style rule should never be broken. I always liked the look: Black tee, black jeans, and brown boots. You see, that’s the hack: the accent piece should be brown. An all-black fit with brown shoes looks fucking killer. Or, in the fall, an all-black fit with a brown peacoat. Just try it and get back to me.

Don’t believe me? GQ endorsed the move last year, vindicating me. You can see for yourself here.