on Health: I'm Going to Get So Incredibly Ripped This Summer
BOOZE - Avoid the Sugary Drinks
Let’s not kid ourselves; it’s hard to turn down a rummy, infectious drink on a hot summer day. But it’s even harder to melt away those sugary pounds when your head is pounding the next day, making going to the gym seem like more of a fucking chore than it already is. Next time you’re looking to tie one on, mix yourself a delicious Tito’s + soda with a lemon wedge. You can skip that caloric punch without missing any of the festivities.
FOOD - Portion Control
During the pandemic, you probably developed a terrible habit of Postmates-ing and Grubhub-ing all sorts of shit. I get it. You wanted to try that sushi spot or the Indian joint that managed to stay open. But the pandemic is basically over. You shouldn’t STILL be ordering from these spots 3x a week. Invest in a pressure cooker. Stuff a bunch of greens and a big slab of protein in that bitch. Come back four hours later, fill up your plate with leafy veggies and lean meat, and try to forget the craving for seconds. Never ever go back for thirds.
BUILD GOOD HABITS - Hate Yourself
You’re a real piece of shit. It’s obvious when you’re wallowing alone in your dumpy apartment, but it’s even more obvious when you’re with your perfect fucking family, as they each take turns around the table bragging about the year’s harvest of new jobs and houses and babies. You’re the only cousin left who’s not married or engaged, and it’s for a reason.
It’s because you’re an undesirable halfwit with a body that looks more like the yammy, noggy chunks in your mom’s carpal-tunnel mashed potatoes than a human man. You prefer to go by “Christian” like a middle school show-off, and you’re too spineless to tell your own family members who’ve been calling you “Chris” for years now. Hate yourself enough, and maybe that will burn away your billowing rolls of side fat, because we both know you aren’t going to turn down those Double Stuff’d Oreos that are staring you in the face!
HYDRATION - Drink More Water
Between the alcohol and the hot weather, summer seems destined to dehydrate you! Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. Once right when you wake up, the final right before bed. If you’re struggling to keep up, try zesting your water up with a shot of Tito’s and a lemon wedge. You’ll be surprised at how often you keep going back for more!
TURN TO FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT - Prove Your Best Friend Wrong
Tito’s-water-lemon is actually Vince’s fave, you unoriginal hack. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been to Europe — his apartment is a fucking baller’s palace. Your best friends think you have a better chance of becoming the King of Prussia than getting married, and no matter how many times they’ve apologized and said they were joking, you know the truth. No six-pack (like you could ever get that, ha!) or trendy haircut (like you could pull that off, ha!), will fill in the desiccated shell you call a self.
Look at your other buddy, Leo. He may not know what the fuck is going on half of the time, but can have the room in stitches with his perfect if minimal contributions to group discussions, including the likes of, “Sip,” “What we on,” and “Skrt skrt.” You can’t pull that shit off. But maybe, just maybe, if you lose that very adult fat you call “baby fat,” they’ll at least let you start sitting at the adult table again, instead of being marooned every year with the other morons at the foldable beer pong table in the living room. Forget it. Just go drown yourself.
GET ACTIVE - Try Swimming!
Between the long strokes, the fast kicks, and the high-intensity bursts, swimming works out your whole body while minimizing pressure on sensitive joints. Make sure you find a well-heated pool and don’t forget the towel!
DESTROY BAD HABITS - Replace the Sugary Snacks
It’s a tough habit to kick, but sugary treats between meals are a trap. Replace them with a fistful of almonds or a spoonful of cashew butter! If you’re like me and you need to fend off the sugar shakes, take a single shot of Rumchata. It will take the edge off. Wait. Weren’t you supposed to avoid sugary drinks? Whatever! You only live once! A life compromised is of no use to you! Besides, it’s just one shot…
BE AWARE OF TRAPS - Ha!
Like there’s some magic lever that could reset your life. Just because the arbitrary calendar year is different (because of the Earth’s rotation around the Sun — why would that make a difference in your speck of a life??), that doesn’t give you a blank slate. If anything, it’s a cruel reminder of everything you didn’t accomplish again. You’re still the only single cousin. You’re still not growing a beard that looks like it was grown by a man and not grafted from the mons pubis of a mid-pubescent tween.
You’re still not visiting your grandmother enough even though she’s just THIRTY MINUTES away. You’re still hanging out with those cocaine-addled dogs you call friends who love seeing you bomb at the open mic nights. And you still have that goddamn paunch that will never go away no matter how many glasses of rumchata and Tito’s-soda-lemons you don’t drink, or laps you don’t swim, or how many minutes you peddled an elliptical last week to convince yourself that you can eat a few more packs of child’s fruit snacks every day. Give! Up!
REFLECT - Look Around
But on the other hand… Take a look around the room. Look at these amazing people you get to surround yourself with. If you would stop comparing yourself to them, and start celebrating them for who they are, wouldn’t that make you feel good? Isn’t that what life is all about?
LOL JK - PSYCHE!
No. Fuck that, fat boi. Look at the mental gymnastics you have to do just to make your life look like anything but a colossal fucking trainwreck. You suck.
FUCK IT - Fuck It
If the topic of gyms or overall health come up, just start telling people you used to weigh 400 pounds. They’ll be amazed at your progress, which they perceive to be far greater than it actually is.
“Holy shit! You look great! How’d you lose so much weight? What’s your secret?”
“I stick to Tito’s sodas when I drink,” you’ll say. “To avoid all those extra carbs.”