words

The bar for being a man is absurdly low and I love it.

The day means nothing to Mexicans and I’m having a reuben for dinner tonight.

Having fun as a young adult does not look good to potential employers. I should have never thrown those sick-ass house parties replete with kegs, au pairs, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Goddamnit!

I’m the first to admit that smartphones have their uses, like sending your friends memes during business hours or accessing your mobile banking app to find out which drunk charges from last night you will dispute.

But you know what I miss? The good ol’ days when we weren’t running around with these little devils in our pockets.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, the Catholic school system failed me. Turns out that years of rigorous Bible study and zero contact with the opposite sex means jack shit in the real world. Go figure.

Fast forward a couple years to a time when I know nothing of safe sex. A time when I need that knowledge more than ever. A time when that very ignorance leads to a pretty funny story that has, for better or worse, been featured in various new outlets since.

The more you know. 💫

No, this isn’t a story about how I’ve finally cleaned up my act. That will happen in due time, when I’m good and ready. Think of this as more of a plea to the month of March. Much like yours truly, March is known for being wildly inconsistent, luring you in with a promise of better things to come, not being able to make up its mind, and just overall being an asshole. C’mon March, get it together already.

Boy oh boy, does this guy currently have it made in the shade. I’ve got a great gig at a company that employs the best people. Even got myself a nice little promotion a few months back. Now, I understand that this could all change overnight. Thankfully I’m not even remotely famous enough that one of my decades-old tweets will resurface and ruin me. Honestly, barring any instance where I make a complete ass of myself, I think I’m good. That possibility is, however, always on the table.

I didn’t always have it so good, though. I used to work in the music + sports sponsorship biz. While that may sound great, it was a dreadful, thankless experience. I heard they’re hiring, so I looked up the job description. It wasn’t very accurate, so I took the liberty of making a few edits.

I moved to the suburbs of Chicago in 2019 and haven’t really looked back. Just five years ago you wouldn’t catch me dead out here. I hated the thought of suburban life. “Nah, it’s too boring out there. Nothin’ but a buncha geezers and cops,” I’d say. Turns out I was right, and that’s actually the best part. My elderly neighbors need help with all sorts of things, and while I’m always happy to help, I never do it for free.

I share a story about getting way too high.

@xdannyxbrownx shares his thoughts on video games while I describe my struggles with self-control around X-Box and beer.

In the era of swiping, my approach to dating is, well, dated.

A short story where I look up at the sky and say, “Damn, I’m really in this bitch.”

Dry January is officially OVER! As you plan a weekend of debauchery, you can feel the butterflies begin to form in your stomach. Maybe you'll drink with friends on an extravagant rooftop. Fancy! Perhaps you'll just have a couple beers at your local bar, further relying on the alcohol as your parlay goes to hell. Better luck next time! Or maybe, just maybe, you'll surprise your significant other with a home-cooked dinner and bottle of aged Argentinian malbec. Look at you!

Wherever you drink this weekend, you will be able to escape life’s problems, even if for only a day or two. But Monday is fast-approaching and these problems will still be there. Haunting you. Lingering over you.

Stop trying to drink your problems away. There’s no use in that because they are already written all over you, and I know them based off of what kind of beer you'll order this weekend.

In January 2012, I ventured into the Amazon to try ayahuasca, a spiritual medicine and hallucinogenic brew. This was not my mission; while traveling through Bolivia, my friend and I stumbled into a guide and shaman who were offering “shamanic dream experiences” and figured we’d give it a try. Here is my experience tripping absolute-fucking-balls.

Thinking of quitting your job to follow your dreams? Well, if there was ever a time to take the leap, it’s now. And while I’ve been more so forced into such things, and failed spectacularly might I add, that doesn’t mean you will.

At the start of last year, I wrote a post about Dry January and my failed attempts of giving up the bottle (for the month, at least). I lasted four days, and that’s mostly because I didn’t really go in with a game plan. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail as the saying goes. This year is different. New year, new me, baby! I coined that last term.

This girl I’m seeing seems nice enough. No baggage, a promising career, and emotionally intelligent. She communicates clearly, supports me meeting friends without her, and is exceptionally rational. Stays away from the bottle and regularly hits the gym. I have one glaring concern, though, and that is the lack of red flags.

The Moon Landing. JFK. Operation Northwoods. Epstein. 9/11. The Covid vaccine.

Ron Funches challenges you to believe in a conspiracy theory.

Woke up at 10:30am today without a care in the world. I’m not hungover, but wouldn’t be mad if I were. I’ll probably fix myself an Irish coffee after making my bed. Have it on the back patio with a spliff. Then I’ll take my time making the perfect eggs benny while playing the latest Graveyard Club album on my record player, which I can afford because I don’t have kids. After breakfast, I’ll shower up and head to downtown Plainfield to meet my cousin Javy. We’ll take in a World Cup game while drinking copious amounts of beer. Might even eat something cool like a shrimp po’ boy. But then he’s gonna have to leave by like 5pm, regardless of whether or not the game ends. He’s a father, and a pretty damn good one, too. But not me.

I don’t have any kids, but here’s what I imagine a typical day would be like if I did.