on Dry January: Let's Give This Another Go

’Tis the season for drinking Guinness, toasting scotch, and devouring things wrapped in bacon while wearing chunky-knit sweaters. Nights spent in dimly-lit dives and booze go together like port salut cheese and orange fig spread. Seriously, try spreading those two on a club cracker and tell me it’s not divine. Like an adult Lunchable but classy.

Anyways, what do you do if you don’t drink anymore? We all know that only small children, recovering brown-bag drunks, and evangelicals in ankle-length denim skirts choose not to drink. To avoid the questions and concerned faces of your coworkers, friends, and family, here are some suggested ways to turn down that glass of spiked jingle juice:

1. “I’m taking antibiotics”
Scratch your crotch to avoid further questions

2. “I’m training for an Ironman and I’m bulking tonight”
Carry a tub of isolated whey protein powder around the party for an extra distraction

3. “I pre-gamed and I’m already loaded”
Knock over a bar stool for emphasis

4. "I’m recovering from surgery”
Choose an organ that no one understands and you can probably live without, like the spleen

5. “I’m violently allergic to alcohol”
Wince as you say this as if remembering the last time you drank

6. “I’m chewing a piece of gum and I don’t want to stop”
If you don’t actually have gum in your mouth just chew on your tongue

7. “I’m doing a detox before my next ayahuasca retreat”
Add, “I’d love to tell you about my spiritual journey in great detail…”

8. “I have to check in with my parole officer in a few hours”
A blank stare should suffice here

9. “I just shit my pants”
Shit your pants