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Dearest Friends of Mine,

I want to start off by letting you know you’re all my best and most trusted friends. As you may know, due to my strong social skills, I recently became a sponsor for Nutrilite Twist Tubes Detox drinks. Nutrilite Twist Tubes are an all-natural, juice-based detox drink that helped me shave three inches off my waistline in just two weeks without any exercise or other dietary supplements! But I want to assure you that you will always be a friend to me first… and only secondarily do I think of you as a revenue stream for my new “business”.

If getting dumped is a learning experience, it is pretty fair to say that not only have I earned a few PhDs, but have an impressive amount of postdoctoral work in the field as well. Single-hood has, it turns out, treated me quite well. There are nights so goddamn fun, you’ll think you’re dreaming. But if you aren’t up to speed, things can get confusing pretty quickly. What follows is an abbreviated list–a highlight reel, if you will–of this unwanted body of knowledge I have attained. So if you soon find yourself single, give this piece a read. Learn from my mistakes, because I sure as hell won’t.

Here is my plan to finally bag Mexican weather girl Yanet Garcia. Through these playful tactics, I will win her over and leave all of you regular, nine-to-five losers and my old life behind. See you around, fuckers!

Minimalism is where it’s at, my friends. Life is so much more manageable when you have less shit to keep track of. I wake up to peace and serenity. Everything zen. I truly believe that I will live my life this way until the end of my time here. If you aren’t already sold on the minimalist lifestyle, here are the positives that I have enjoyed:

I studied abroad my senior year of college. During that trip, I explored and drank inside of a mansion multiple times.

Winter can be tough on your body. You’re still recovering from the holidays, where you justified eating like shit for six straight weeks. The cold weather makes going to the gym more of a chore than it already is. If you want results, you’re going to have to tailor your plan accordingly.

It’s time to take control of your health. Here are some tips that you’ll actually be able to follow. The best part? You can still drink while on my nutrition plan.

Disclaimer: I am not a physician and these tips will not actually help you get healthier.

I wake to the sound of old-school hip-hop playing faintly down in the street. Also salsa, from the apartment next door. The woman who lives above me is picking at her acoustic guitar. Someone down the block is a playing a classic Beatles tune. Plus there’s like four hundred cars honking their horns directly outside, and my roommates are having a screaming argument over which one of them stole the other’s idea for a screenplay about a successful comedian who returns to his small-town home to spend time with his sick father. I drink a LaCroix and head to yoga.

Museums are fucking awesome and never listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

At the end of every year, you make promises to yourself that you hope will spark change. These promises tend to have good intentions and are aimed at improving your quality of life. Of course, once the New Year adrenaline wears off, you struggle to make good on your plans. Monday morning arrives, you get to your desk and stare at the same screen, file the same paperwork, go to the same place for lunch, and you find yourself right back to where you were in December. It’s a vicious cycle. Why the hell are resolutions so hard to keep?

Look through my News Feed and you’ll soon realize that my Facebook friends have plenty in common: They enjoy posting their relationship statuses online for anyone to see, regardless of how good or bad; They regularly “Check In📍" while vacationing at some spots that are downright extravagant, forcing you to ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing wrong here?” Something that they each share, however, is much more compelling: the majority of them are not actually my friends.

I OFFICIALLY GIVE UP. For the past few years, I have spent far too much time and money doing things that I thought made me cool. I began working from cafés, looking like I didn’t want to be disturbed. I developed the terrible habit of ordering PBRs at bars even though they taste terrible. I’ve purchased several (several) overpriced t-shirts from various designers because GQ recommended that I do so. I went paleo.

However, at the end of all of these escapades, I have come to a single conclusion: I’m really tired. I’m folding, or whatever it is they say when they give up in poker, which I’ve never really made the effort to learn. Does folding mean quitting?