At the end of every year, you make promises to yourself that you hope will spark change. These promises tend to have good intentions and are aimed at improving your quality of life. Of course, once the New Year adrenaline wears off, you struggle to make good on your plans. Monday morning arrives, you get to your desk and stare at the same screen, file the same paperwork, go to the same place for lunch, and you find yourself right back to where you were in December. It’s a vicious cycle. Why the hell are resolutions so hard to keep?

I couldn’t tell you. I always keep my resolutions, though I solemnly believe mine are way more fun than yours. You see, what is pivotal in keeping a resolution is to make it fun. Well, actually, the key to keeping a resolution is to make it a habit, but I’m not going to sit here and write a piece about how to make hitting the fucking gym a habit. You’re gonna have to Google that one.

Friends, I say again: The only chance you have at keeping your resolution is to make it fun. You know why you never make the effort to save more money? Because saving money kind of sucks. Why can’t we lose that belly? Because eating BBQ with your hands is way more fun than doing crunches. Fuck crunches! Why can’t this be the year that you finally read more? Because your boss is emailing you at 8:45pm and expects an answer tonight.

I can’t tell you how to make your own resolutions enjoyable; I can only share how I’ve made my own fun and, quite honestly, addictive.

Let’s compare your resolutions to mine. Hopefully this will illustrate how you should approach resolutions this year:

YOURS:

Exercise more
Lose weight
Get organized
Learn a new skill or hobby
Live life to the fullest
Save more money / spend less money
Quit smoking
Spend more time with family and friends
Travel more
Read more

MINE:

I will use all nine of my Groupons I purchased for the sushi restaurants surrounding my home.
I will begin creating false speed traps and car accidents on Waze to earn more points.
I will stop lying about cooking the complicated, multi-step recipes I’ve seen on Munchies, except between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, and in my Bumble conversations, where everyone else is lying about it.
I will limit Netflix binge watching to Fridays and Saturdays. When at any given time I find myself talking to onscreen characters as if they are with me in the living room, I will force myself outside for 15 minutes.
I will give a random Zodiac sign when someone asks, “What’s your sign?” I was asked last year, at least 416 times, what my sign was. Each time, I gave an answer that was total bullshit, responding with the first thing that popped into my head. No one challenged me. Rather, they immediately justified what I had said. Don’t you think it’s weird that every sign has immensely positive attributes? To me, if you’re chill, it’s because you’re actually chill. It has nothing to do with you being a Sagittarius.
Eat more vegetables. This one is actually really fun! I like to start every morning with looking at myself in the mirror for 45 minutes and telling myself, “I’ll bet you won’t eat any vegetables today, you husky son of a bitch. You’re so fucking weak.” Try it!

If you’re still lost, try lowering your standards. I think John Oliver explains it best:

words

New Year's: Revise Your Resolutions