on Injuries: Surprising Ways I've Injured Myself Over the Years

Crossfit is a wild concept, man. I remember watching the Crossfit Games on Youtube way back in 2013 and thinking, “Jesus Christ, these motherfuckers look like stunt doubles for the movie 300.” They were shredded. At the time, and very much to this day, I owned/continue to own a body that looks more like the yammy, noggy chunks in your mom’s carpal-tunnel Thanksgiving mashed potatoes than anything resembling an actual human man.

I signed up to my local xfit gym as quickly as I could. Before I knew it, I was performing squats, presses, cleans, jerks, snatches. All of ‘em. Believe it or not, after 24 years of not giving the slightest shit about exercise, my form was very much off. The trainer’s advice? Be more violent in your movement.

I remember the exact moment it happened. There was a distinctive pop that rattled throughout my body. At first I was confused. I couldn’t stand upright. I remember pain shooting down my leg. What the fuck? Herniated discs, two of them, right at the bottom of my spine near my fucking ass. Apparently that’s pretty bad. At least, that’s what the doctor said. There was a good chance of me getting arthritis in my spine when I was older. And that was if they could fix my back in the first place. I was in agonizing pain for weeks before I decided to go see a doctor. Fast forward to post-surgery. The longest stretch of time in my life. I was bedridden. I gained 30 pounds. I was depressed and addicted to pain killers.

But then my friends told me to get my shit together. They were disgusted at how fat I got. It was one of the best days of my life. Juuust what I needed to hear. Before you knew it, I cut the booze, started fasting, upped the cardio, started my own company, and actually logged all of my meals.

Though I wish I could say this was the only freak injury I’ve ever had in my life, it’s not. Turns out, when you’re a dumb fuck, you get injured all of the time. It’s exhausting! Anyways, here’s a brief list of my injuries over the years.

1. Taking off my half-zip sweater.

2. Nodding vigorously while holding my phone as Leo explains NFTs.

3. Reaching through a car window to retrieve my card from an ATM.

4. Sneezing.

5. Bagging my groceries — oddly enough while purchasing the Benefiber 190-serving 2-pack. Paper cut. Still not sure how this happened while handling plastic bags.

6. Sneezing while driving on the highway.

7. Searching under furniture for my phone charger.

8. Sleeping.

9. Hauling the recycling to the curb when it’s filled with all the AARP literature I’m not ready to read.

10. Monkey bars at a playground.

11. Rubbing my forehead, trying to remember why I entered a room.

12. Rushing to find a pen and paper to write down the name of a supplement an infomercial promised would make me feel 16 again (but may also destroy my kidneys, vision, and 92% of my relationships).

13. Dancing.