on the Bottom Shelf: An Adventure in Inexpensive Alcohol
If you know me, you know I’m no longer much of a cheap alcohol connoisseur. I used to be, back when a good time was more of a priority than my standard of living. I remember browsing the aisles of a liquor store in New Orleans during a 2011 vacation. I had probably $400 to my name, and here I was doing cost analysis on Four Loko’s v Smirnoff. (And I’m talking OG Four Loko. The one’s that took out teenagers left and right, and were quickly outlawed.)
I remember a lifetime ago, when I was all of four feet tall, just a kid looking up at these Herculean men at my family parties, toasting and drinking and celebrating life. Johnnie Walker, Modelos, good tequilas. This is where it’s at I would think to myself. When I grow up, I’m going to be drinking nice beer and alcohol. The good stuff. Well, here I was, in NOLA at a liquor store at 21 years old sticking to only bottles on the bottom shelf. Life moves fast. (I also later found out that my family’s antics, fueled exclusively by Modelos, a rip of a semi-decent tequila bottle every now and then, and nose beers was all a front. They weren’t toasting to life. They were avoiding going home to their angry wives.)
Cheap liquor is designed to get you wasted. Absolutely shitfaced. And quick! Sure, you can take your time with a nice whiskey, enjoying it as you would an expensive bottle of wine. Maybe you want to branch out and try a chilled sake or make a killer martini. You can’t really do that with cheap booze. Cheap liquor’s only purpose is to be cheap. There is no complexity in the palate. None that you could ever desire, at least. And precisely because of this nature, you are forced to down it quickly and wait for it to impair you to an equally degraded state of relaxation.
Now, unless you have the means, you will continue to knock back the cheaper stuff on most days. You know, save the expensive stuff for special occasions.
So now what? How cheap should you go? How cheap can you go?
Beer
Cheap beer is the most inexpensive option of the bunch, there’s no way around it. An absolute American staple which has been consumed at sporting events and backyard wrestling matches since before I was born, probably.
Natural Light 30-rack, $14: Natty Lights have become synonymous with the darty lifestyle of Hawaiian shirts, basketball jerseys without an undershirt, and being mean to girls. Depending where you are, a 30-rack of this bottom-of-the-barrel beer can start from as low as $14. At that price, it doesn’t make sense to not buy it.
Natural Ice, $16: Not for the faint of heart, Natty Ice is Natty Light with more alcohol and more piss. I like to think of Natty Light as your piss after drinking a reasonable amount of water, and Natty Ice as your piss after walking through the desert while munching on asparagus. That being said, it’s not terrible.
Natty Daddy, $1.50: As much as I wanted to list a different beer for the third option, I simply couldn’t find one that topped this beauty. Concluding the trifecta of the Natural Family, Natty Daddys are the healthiest beer out there. As in, the calorie per alcohol is the lowest that exists. Life works in mysterious ways. If you don’t know what a Natty Daddy is, its basically a tall boy Natural Ice, but at 8% alcohol, it’s borderline free (even if it tastes like it’s been in a bomb shelter for the last 70 years). Who would have thought the answer to physical excellence would be in a tall boy beer that sells for $1.50?
Liquor
Cheap hard alcohol is a completely different monster. You haven’t truly earned your stripes unless you’ve endured a Sunday morning after chugging Smirnoff. These drinks will put hair on your chest, regardless of gender. Oddly enough, this could also kill you. Let’s get into it.
Smirnoff, $13: Vodka is different from whiskey in that whiskey is supposed to have different characters, while vodka, ideally, is supposed to be neutral. It’s not supposed to taste like anything but distilled alcohol, water, and regret, all of which are prominently listed on the bottle’s label. Smirnoff is as good as about anything for $13, and it actually won in a pretty exhaustive New York Times blind tasting some years ago.
UV, $12: UV Vodka and high school go hand in hand for me. Although I’ve moved a bit away from this shit, it will always have a place in my heart. The UV brand offers a variety of flavors packaged into a glass handle for about $12. You split that 3 ways with a couple friends, you can ruin your life for a mere four dollars. Can’t beat it.
Skol, $11: My buddy V used to call Skol “The Premium in Plastic.” Skol, I would imagine, gets most of it’s sales from the homeless population. No one who buys this has the intentions of drinking this inside, or socially. You drink this to stay warm on the street. If you ever see anyone drinking this cross the street, you better have 911 pre-dialed, because that person has absolutely nothing to lose.
Georgi, $9: Gin is really just flavored vodka. In contrast to vodka, gin is something that bartenders and spirits enthusiasts love. Gin is basically just vodka that’s been distilled with various other ingredients. A bottle of Georgi sits comfortably at $9.
Miscellaneous
Four Loko, $4: In my mind, the best, most fun cheap alcohol option on the market. 6-14% ABV depending on where you live. I still have no clue what’s in it, but at this point I’m not sure that I want to know. They’ve become a lot tamer over the years, as the original concoction literally killed everyone who drank them, so it’s good to see that they’re taking steps in the right direction. Four Lokos are great for any occasion, as long as the occasion includes waking up and wondering who pissed your own bed.
Franzia, $9.49: The wheel, modern medicine, the internet, boxed wine. All these inventions have changed the way we live forever. I used to drink this boxed wine a lot. My old roommate’s surname was Francia, so we used to drink this out of respect. Funny how it took out of the box thinking to put something in a box. Franzia is basically Powerade with alcohol. I’m not sure how they make Franzia, but it’s definitely not the traditional way to make wine. Nonetheless, the formula works.
Everclear, $17: It’s illegal in Cook County, so you’re gonna have to make a commute just to get your hands on some, but if you’re making jungle juice or looking to absolutely get arrested for inciting a riot, this is the option to go. Pure grain alcohol, 151 proof, 75% ABV.
And that about wraps this one up. A purchase of one of these comes with instant street cred. I like to carry a Natty Daddy on me at all times in case I get stuck where I have to mediate a dangerous situation. Someone sees you with any of these options inside a brown paper bag and you immediately become an absolute wild card, commanding respect and admiration from the others who are there drinking for “the taste.”