on Dinner Parties: Somebody Fucking Mace Me Now Please

4pm

Can’t wait to see everyone tonight! Can I bring anything besides loads of fear and anxiety? I’m already shitting bricks about what to wear and it’s only going to get worse from here. Sorry if I’m projecting. It’s just that my brain is a windowless prison and I’m doing hard time. Should I bring flowers? What type of flowers? Should I bring wine? How many bottles of wine should I bring? Who still regularly drinks enough wine to sedate a small horse and who became one of those “boring” adults we made fun of in college?

Also, I’m more than happy to bartend tonight, but would appreciate if no one asks me anything while I do. It freaks me out, and I’ll freeze up — I barely even have the confidence to do it when I’m alone. The mere thought of someone’s line of questioning as I perform the simplest of tasks makes me feel like I’m operating my limbs in a tower that is hundreds of miles away from my body.

7pm

I’m sorry about earlier. Why the hell did I say all of that? Guess I was nervous. Blah. Nice to see everyone.

What’s this about a no-shoe policy? Does that include boots? Because remember when you said to dress up for this? I assumed that meant no sneakers or Jordans. Well, here, take the wine and flowers while I sit on your floor and unlace these.

I’m good, just working a ton lately. That’s all, nothing else to report. Now on to more pressing matters — who’s got the Malort!? Let’s kick this night off proper, y’all! Am I right or am I right!? Oh, you guys are “over” Malort now? Oh, ok. Sick.

8pm

Hey—no need to panic—but I did give one of these kids my phone to play games and can’t remember which one it was. By the way, it’s still so crazy to me that everyone has kids now! Feels like only yesterday we were scraping change together to buy some grass before playing The Life of Pablo for the gazillionth time. Actually, yeah, I guess that was 7 years ago, now that you mention it.

I swear I’m not dodging any questions, it’s just that I messed up the espresso martinis last time and really need to focus right now. While I’m doing this, can someone look up a fun new drinking game? I would but I’m elbow deep in Borghetti and still without my phone.

Oh, never mind. That kid just set my phone down, then turned to his buddy and said, “Angry Birds? What a fucking joke.” I happen to like Angry Birds, but whatever.

9pm

Dinner was great! Now that we’ve eaten, let’s get after it. Who wants to shotgun a beer? Any takers? Just me then? Okayyy, 3, 2, 1, here I go! You guys watching? Man, that went down smooth. Fuck it, another one! Line ‘em up! Who’s in!?

9:05pm

Sorry for throwing up in your living room. Someone was in the bathroom and I couldn’t get my boots on in time to run outside.

Guess I’ll take off now. Happy we could catch up! What’s that about next time? Oh. Well, she couldn’t really make it this time because we kind of broke up. I’ll fill you in later. Nothing crazy. Anyways, great to see everyone again!

Also, whoever’s kid that was, tell him to wash his hands. My phone’s all sticky.