on Winning in the Workplace: My Boss Loves the New Guy

Me vs The Guy My Boss Told Me Not to Worry About

Me: Woefully underpaid because of inflation.
Him: Makes 25 percent more because of inflation.

Me: Years of experience at the company with an intimate knowledge of the department.
Him: Wants to shake up the status quo without understanding the company or what anyone actually does yet.

Me: Marketing Manager
Him: Strategic Partner, Data Analytics and Integrated Marketing. Also Member of the Board.

Me: Prepares a twenty-slide deck regarding the recent paid search campaign.
Him: Leans back and says, “I feel like we can do more to tap into current trends, you know? Maybe at the influencer level? What else ya got?” Then squints at me for fifteen uninterrupted seconds.

Me: Cries in the bathroom stall several times a day.
Him: Oddly never seems to go to the bathroom at all.

Me: Is waiting until student loans and credit card debt are paid off before even thinking about starting a family.
Him: Talks at length about their beloved “Queen” and children who started a flipping business over the summer.

Me: Packs lunch from home.
Him: Goes out to lunch with your boss then comes back, alone, with a grotesquely distended stomach saying, “The merger is complete,” like you’re supposed to know what that means.

Me: Requests a hybrid schedule to achieve a healthier work/life balance.
Him: Is literally plugged into their computer all day, eyes rolled back and mouth agape, emitting a super disruptive high-pitched frequency.

Me: Haven’t received my reimbursement for work expenses in months.
Him: Swipes a corporate card for whiskey shots and Touchtunes credits.

Me: Makes a feeble attempt at submitting a two weeks notice.
Him: Offers you an entry-level marketing job at their new heavily-funded startup.