on Tinder: Delete My Tinder When I'm Dead

Please delete my Tinder when I’m dead. No, I’m not planning to kick it anytime soon, but God forbid I get clipped by an Uber, come down with measles (which is somehow a thing again), or—ironically enough—get a deadly STD by a Coachella-attending Tinder babe. I just want to be prepared. Do you realize how many dead people must be swiping on Tinder?

Don’t half-ass it, either. Don’t just delete the app off of my phone and think you’re done. If you do that, my profile and conversation history will still be out there haunting the brunch-loving, twenty-photos-until-it’s-acceptable-taking gals of the app-dating universe. Go into my fucking settings. Scroll down. Keep scrolling. Keeeeeeeep scrolling. All the way down past the little flame logo at the bottom. Delete Account. It’s going to ask you if you want to PAUSE MY ACCOUNT. Do not fall into that trap. Do not be blinded by the larger, redder button. Select the more modest grey link at the very bottom. Delete My Account. It will ask you why, and since there’s no DECEASED option, go ahead and choose what you think is best. I guess OTHER? And then let them know I’m dead.

Actually, select I WANT A FRESH START because, while I don’t know if there is life after love, there may be love after life.

Actually, for good measure, clear out my profile first. Delete the ABOUT ME section. “Spend way too much time cooking. I’ll make an awesome +1 to your shitty corporate event.” Cute when I wrote it, right? Fucking cringe worthy now. That’s not even the end of it. Christ, keep scrolling.

“Craft soda isn’t the only craft I enjoy, let’s do something with our hands!” Fuckkkkkk. Also, don’t let me mom see any of this.

That’s just the beginning of this awful process. Thanks, by the way, for putting up with this shit. I wish I were still alive to thank you, but, you know, I’m dead.

My photos. How I ache over these photoshopped photos. Yes, I photoshopped myself in with tigers and dogs. Delete ‘em. And, yes, while that does look like I am manning the grill in one of the photos, I actually asked Vince if I could hold the spatula, and if he could step aside for a quick minute. He was manning the grill. And, in case you’re wondering, the food was divine. Sorry we didn’t invite you over for that one. And me wearing that slogan t-shirt at that march holding a sign for “women’s rights”? I went to that march solely for the Tinder pic. God help me.

Now that all of those icky, yucky, vestiges of yore are gone, you can go ahead and delete it.

Oh wait, actually, first can you unmatch all of my matches? Especially that profile that is a couple looking for a friend. I was pretty drunk when I entertained that thought.

Ok great, now that is done, you can ACTUALLY go ahead and delete it.

Well, all that’s left now is to clear out and delete my other dating profiles. Don’t worry. It will be quick! I don’t have a lot. Just Bumble, Christian Mingle, J-Swipe, Soda Sweethearts, 7s Only — the official app for above average almost hotties, OKCupid also, please.

Thanks! I appreciate it! If I made it to Heaven, I’ll put in a good word for ya. ;)