on Gangsta Shit: My Mom Guest Blogs Amidst My Self-Admitted Drinking Problem

My son is a real catch and shame on any girl who’s ever thought otherwise.

He’s tall, but not too. He runs marathons and scales mountains (not literally, LOL). He has curly hair that is best described as passable. And on top of it all, he’s funny. Of course, I didn’t think everything he did was so funny when he was a kid. I used to tell him, “That’s not so funny” all over the house. Back then I called him a smart aleck, but now I call him “creative.” If you make money from being a smart aleck, you’re creative. If you don’t make money, you’re a putz. So, he’s creative. Come on, girls, why would you break up with my creative son?

And a good time he’ll show you, too! You want fine restaurants? My Chrissy knows them all and he isn’t afraid to spend his money. Trust me! But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. You want travel and adventure? He’s been all over the world. (Without me, of course.) A great communicator you want? Well, I know he’ll call you more than he calls me. You want someone who can sing and dance? Keep looking.

Catches like my Chrissy you don’t find every day. Did I mention he can cook? I’m not talking about brisket or chicken soup. I’m talking very fancy food I’ve never heard of. Chris will make things so pretty you won’t know whether to eat them or wear them. And then he makes these funny little jokes about you not appreciating them on the same “level” as he does. I’m not sure what that means. But if you want to try organic fiddlehead ferns, he’s your man.

Whenever a girl would dump my son—and I’m speaking from 15+ years of experience here—I would always say the same thing to him: “Those girls are all fools and idiots. They don’t know what they’re missing.” And he would always say, “You’re saying that because you’re my mom!” Welp, he had me there.

But I’d like to think just because he’s my son, and I gave birth to him and fed him from my breast and raised him by myself, that doesn’t mean I can’t look at things objectively. Sure I can! I guess you can tell how much I love my son and what a great catch he is! So if you happen to see him, please tell him to call his mother.