on Reckless Behavior
Well, folks, it’s been a complete shit show last few weeks. Traveling the state only to get a little too drunk at corporate events, on-a-whim, YOLO-style trips, one too many espresso martinis at speakeasies, going off the grid for entire weekends without warning, long bouts of depression and anxiety. Goes without saying that #SoberOctober and my sleep schedule have both been absolute disasters.
As I write this, I have come to a few conclusions: I’m exhausted. The anxiety has gotten old. My liver is over it. While I normally love the feeling of drinking just enough to lay down and it feel like you’re falling backwards, this has simply gotten out of hand. It’s really, really fun at first, but then you realize it feels the same whether you’re laying in bed or you’re laying in a ditch. And that’s an entirely different story altogether.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, Christian, what’s going on with ya? Why ya being such a little bitch?” Well, dear reader, the reason I am so depressed lately, why I have tried to fill this gaping hole in my heart with martinis and trips to warmer climates, is because Iced Coffee Season is officially over.
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first introduced the “five stages of grief” in her book On Death and Dying. Initially based on her studies of patients facing terminal illness, many professionals have generalized the stages to apply to any negative life changes or losses, such as the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, or the realization that iced coffees are no longer viable options for morning trips to the office.
DENIAL
At first, it will be hard to come to terms with it. You may tell yourself things like, “This can’t be happening to me,” or “No, no, NO, PLEASE GOD NO — the weather will get nicer. It’s up to 53 degrees tomorrow!” But it doesn’t work that way, and deep down, you know it. It’s over. Sure, every year they parade these pumpkin-spice-whatever-the-fucks around, but they’re not the same. It’s also super rare for any relationship to have that long of a shelf life. In this case, I’m talking about my relationship with iced coffee. In the words of Robert Frost, “Nothing gold can stay,” no matter how hard you try to deny it’s happening.
ANGER
It’s no one’s fault that seasons and feelings change. These things just happen. Unfortunately, it will be hard for you to understand this about a specific iced drink you love. You will direct your anger at Starbucks, any pumpkin spice-themed commercials, and even the person who introduced you to the drink. You will say things like, “I’ve never liked this stupid-ass drink anyway,” even though that’s a lie. We all say stuff we don’t mean during this stage. This is okay as long as we don’t let our anger affect those around us.
BARGAINING
There are no deals you can make to prevent this, no money you can spend, no thoughtful gesture you can offer, but you will try. You will plead to the heavens, “What if I do more?” and convince yourself that if you never stop spending your time and money, the drink will never leave. These efforts will be futile, as the end of this relationship is out of your control. One of the hardest parts of dealing with loss is realizing you are helpless and that there is nothing you can do to stop the inevitable.
DEPRESSION
You will be sad. You will not want to do much of anything. Even the littlest things will be triggering: winning a Starbucks gift card for a work contest, listening to the old country songs you played in the car while driving to your nearest ‘Bucks, firing up a cigarette. None of these things will bring you the joy they once did. Try to confront your feelings in a positive and creative way. Over time, these triggers of sadness will turn into reminders of the fun times you had.
ACCEPTANCE
At some point in the process of grief, you will say to yourself, “I am at peace with the fact that this is no longer available to me.” This won’t mean you are happy that it’s gone; it means you are happy to know that for a brief period of time, you were fortunate enough to have this treasure in your life. It’s true what they say: Nothing is ever really gone as long as we keep its memory alive. Take comfort in knowing that someday down the road, someone will say, “Would you like to try our Salted Caramel Foam Cold Brew?” and you will respond, “Trenta, please.” And just like that, the memories of your former life will come flooding into your psyche again.