on Judging Books By Their Covers

“Even though he’s wearing trendy sunglasses and skinny jeans, he MUST be a skilled laborer of some kind. Probably a construction worker.”

“Now there’s a guy who owns a real tool chest. It’s definitely not a shoebox that he stores in his armoire next to the dog food for a Pomeranian.”

“I’d guess he’s waking up at 5 AM tomorrow to go hunting or fishing and not because he desperately wants to purchase Tame Impala tickets.”

“See that faded ring on his back pocket? That’s got to be from a can of chewing tobacco and not from his yo-yo.”

“I can’t imagine this guy lowering his voice when speaking to repairmen.”

“Those brown stains on his pants are probably from when he went muddin’ and not the aftermath of a pudding cup accident.”

“He probably owns a welding mask because he uses it for welding jobs and not as a prop in a sketch show where he played a character that welds genitals onto robots.”

“He could totally grow a fuller beard — he just chooses not to.”

“If a rental car company accidentally gave him a vehicle with a manual transmission, he would not have a panic attack in the parking garage.”

“There’s a guy who has a deer head on his living room wall and I don’t mean one of those fake paper ones that he probably knows is cliché but still couldn’t resist getting because it was so cheap at Marshalls.”

“I bet his callused hands aren’t from learning how to play a ukulele cover of ‘Landslide.’”