on Gluttony: Man, That Was Fun, But I Must Be Going Now
This might sound strange, but I never really made it a point to sit down and plan my life out. I always kind of figured that I wouldn’t be around that long. That probably sounds messed up. It’s strange to type. But it’s the truth. I’ve spent the better part of the last decade traversing the globe, devoted equally to avoiding my problems as I was in finding ways to self-medicate. I became really good at it, too: consuming rich, heavy meals, drinking and smoking and ingesting all sorts of toxins, then wandering the streets until drowsy. Eventually it just seemed like this whole show was bound to end abruptly. Statistically, I should have been in the wrong place at the wrong time by now. That’s part of why I’ve never been exceptionally good with relationships. Just an emotionally distant guy. Like, “Listen, toots: don’t get too attached because it’s going to hurt when I’m not around anymore and that’s probably going to be soon.”
The universe has, for whatever reason, taken care of me. Didn’t matter how diligent I was in my pursuit of altered consciousness, how reckless my spending became, how many shady houses I walked into looking to score something, how many nights I’d been so aggressively out of it, at times in parts unknown sans an international data plan or ability to pronounce the local street names. Aside from a couple of black eyes and some mid-flight turbulence, I’ve come out on the other side relatively unscathed.
Now, let me take a moment to make something clear: this is not an attempt to sound all victim-y. I am not looking for phone calls to check on my well-being. I’m simply explaining my thought process from several years ago. Things change, people change. I really do give a shit now. About all sorts of things!
That whole “your body is a temple” scam? I’ve bought into it big-time. When I’m not amidst a 4-day bender, there’s actually lots of kale and spinach going on over here.
When Vince calls me, I no longer confuse him with vivid tales of cursing God from rooftops late into the night while chain-smoking menthol cigarettes. I vape now and simply shake my head at minor inconveniences. Vinny says there’s room for growth here, but I consider this a major win.
I’ve limited those rich, heavy meals to special occasions such as New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, the first day of Spring, birthdays of all friends and relatives (even if I don’t see them), 4th of July, and just about any major holiday. The days of $50 sushi lunches? No more! Unless you’re down. You down?
I maintain a firm spending limit of $5,000 when attending bachelor parties.
I set money aside to splurge on concert tickets and live events instead of concert tickets, live events, and drugs.
The little spare time I have is devoted to the family that I’ve avoided for the better part of a decade. Unheard of behavior only a few years ago, when I would gladly skip Easter with the fam to hit a casino and bet on baseball for 10 hours like a total dipshit.
Speaking of which, that dipshit from a few years ago hated organized curriculums and now this semi-dipshit right here creates organized curriculums for a living! And if this whole career-with-a-401k thing works out, it should provide a nice little nest for the rest of my life. Enough money to, at the very least, pay for the martini and karaoke tabs when I’m well into my 70’s in what I can only assume is a dive bar in the great state of Florida.
Everything’s coming up Christian!