on Appreciating the Fine Arts

I know I come across as, like, super-fancy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m just a regular-ass dude. Sure, I’ve made some progress over the years: I used to drink Natty Light. Now I drink Topo Chico. Throughout college, I never owned a proper winter coat. These days, I write about them. Sometimes, when money was tight, I’d make meals out of random shit I found in the fridge. Everything from bouillon cubes to pieces of leftover burrito and stale holiday candy, all within minutes of one another, all while staring out the window at this beautiful, ageless, and indifferent city that I just froze through, drinking from a carton of milk, wondering when my next freelance gig would come. Christ, there were plenty of points during the early- to mid-2010’s when I would’ve even risked the misdemeanor of stuffing a chocolate croissant down the front of my pants in the French Market deli and run until I found a place to catch my breath and eat it. Then I learned how to make a hash. It’s paleo! Cooks right up and very little cleanup after.

So, yes, I’ve made some strides, but nothing compares to my progress in the fine arts. You see, I used to love a good monster truck rally. Watermelon eating competitions? Sign me up! Backyard midget wrestling? Take my fucking money now please. These days, it’s all about museums and paintings. They’re sexy. They’re “in.”

If you’re looking to start exploring museums, but are afraid of not fitting in or looking awkward as you roam through an unguided palace, check out this handy etiquette guide I’ve created. If you follow my points below, you’ll blend in with the art crowd in no time.

Nod Vigorously and Say, “Hmm”

The easiest way to prove you really care is to agree with the painting. Bob your head up and down. Make sure to vocalize a little with a “hm” or an “ah” to show that you’re still being critical. Yes, it’s in a museum and it has been carefully curated, but it hasn’t been run past YOU yet.

Take a Picture of It

Get really far back from the painting and tell everyone else to get out of the way. Don’t worry, it’s worth it. This will definitely be the best picture ever taken of this painting.

Take Notes

Feel free to pull out your Moleskin and make a rough sketch of that Magritte. Or maybe jot down some notes. Some of my favorites are “good painting,” or, “very red.” The note is not important; what is important is that you write it frantically and smile maniacally while saying “yes, YES!” under your breath over and over. Really sell it.

Read Way Too Much Into It

Sure, Jesus isn’t in it. But like, isn’t he?

Mention the Artist’s Early Work

It was so much better.

Sob Uncontrollably

Cry. Cry hard. Cry Loudly. Cry Often. Find an emotional connection to the painting and let it fuel your tears. Whistler’s Mother? You also have a mother.

Sing to It

In Spanish. Or Italian. Or Latin. Anything but English, really. It 100% cannot be in English. There are no English songs about art.

Write a Rap Musical About the Painter

For my urban friends. This is the only way people show they care about history. See if you can rhyme “Cézanne” and “spray can.”

Inquire Loudly About the Price

Snap your fingers in the air until someone checks on you, then pull out a piece of paper and write a number on it.

Get the Painting Tattooed On Your Chest

Then, unbutton your shirt and stand next to the real painting. Maybe even make a tiny plaque to hold in your mouth. You’re art now, baby!

Touch the Wall Next to It and Moan

A little to the left. Oh yeah, right there. That’s some good art.

Cut Your Ear Off

An oldie but a goodie! Also, no matter what else you accomplish in your life, everyone will fixate on this one thing.

Steal It

The general public doesn’t appreciate this painting like you do. They are not worthy of gazing upon her. Nobody understands how that pitchfork man and his farmer wife make you feel. Take the painting. Leave the country and tell no one. Go somewhere where the people get it. Maybe France? Start a new life living with your congregation as a Parisian street mafia. It’s a rough life, but one filled with worship, community, and protection money from charcuterie shops. You don’t need anything more, you have the painting. If this sounds like too much, you can always just take a few steps back and:

Buy a Membership to the Museum

Then use it to get a 5% discount on pastries at the museum restaurant. These savings will add up. Use that money to buy a gun. Then, rob the shit out of that museum.