On Genetics: How Much of the Dumb Shit That I’ve Done in My Life Was Pre-Determined by My Shitty Genetics?
According to a 2013 study, behaviors can be passed from one generation to the next. For this study, male mice were exposed to a synthetic citrus smell while at the same time receiving a mild electric shock. After 10 days of this, the mice began to freak out whenever exposed to the scent. Female mice were then artificially inseminated with the male mice’s semen. The baby mice, who never met their father, became agitated when exposed to the same synthetic scent.
This is particularly awesome because I no longer have to feel responsible for all of the dumb shit I’ve done in my life. Turns out I never stood a chance. That entire theory of us human beings starting off as a blank slate is all a bunch of bullshit. There are particular traits that I learned from my parents before I was ever able to form a cohesive thought. Though this hasn’t 100% been proven, I’m sticking to this theory in order to justify all of the atrocities I’ve committed. Let my mom and dad take the fall for this shit. God forbid I actually take accountability for my own actions.
Here, a brief summary:
Young Adult
AGE 20-22
Enjoys beer that only comes in cases of 30.
Begins smoking clove cigarettes, but does so like a French film noir actor.
Mixes alcohol with fire, sets face on fire in front of friends. Will never be able to grow a full beard.
Walks while holding onto furniture for support after a mad bender.
Subsists on ramen noodles, stale candy, tap water, and the generosity of others.
Learns to say, “Mama, can you help me pay rent this month?”
Can locate paying work, but frequently shows up late and/or hungover.
Emerging Adult
AGES 23-25
Watches one episode of Californication and thinks Jameson straight up tastes great (it doesn’t).
Leaves cigarettes for pot. Meets a girl at a bar and goes back to her place to rip a gravity bong on her patio. Passes out on her couch, doesn’t get laid.
Able to give toxic relationships, volatile co-workers, and awkward conversations a second and sometimes third chance.
Insists that the broom closet at a bar is the bathroom. Is told repeatedly by bar staff that if I “go in there one more time, you’re fucking getting tossed.” Proceeds to fucking get tossed.
Goes to shady bars like Green Dolphin to purchase molly on a bi-monthly basis.
Can say, “Mama, can you send me money for my phone bill?”
Kind-of Adult
AGES 26-28
Switches to Effen Cucumber vodka, water, and lime. Insists it is a healthier, low-carb option. Wakes up on Sunday with a pounding headache, insatiable thirst, overworked liver, and half-eaten pizza slice on pillow.
Can point to body parts and complain about them.
Can feed self copious amounts of cheese at art openings. Gets cut off by staff.
Eats most meals using dishes that are made of paper.
Thinks that the tab of acid I placed in my jeans to “save for later” will not soak through the denim and into my skin.
Actual Adult
AGES 29-31
Cannot walk into a J. Crew store without purchasing something stupid.
Says “Mama, can you get my mail while I go to Cancun?”
Purchases pot from a shady person in alley behind BBQ restaurant in Austin, TX.
Takes cues more from popular music and seventy-five years of American cinema than anything resembling actual human behavior when it comes to girls I like.
Yep, my parents probably did all of this stuff when they were young, and I just inherited their dumb genes. Smh. Stupid mom and dad.