on Halloween: Some Costumes You Probably Have in Your Closet

What’s your costume strategy this year? Going with the one outfit for the entire weekend, hoping it doesn’t get too stained or torn? Gross. Maybe you have a couple different costumes that you’ll rotate throughout the weekend? Sounds like a waste of money. More money for bar tabs, less money on shitty fabrics hastily sewn together by Bangladeshi children. You know? What I mean?

Here are some costume ideas that are already hanging in your closet.

• The Online Shopper Who Does So Exclusively During Business Hours

• The Guy Who Walks into a Bar on Sunday Afternoon to Retrieve His Debit Card

• The Person Whose Fucking Pants Used to Fit

• The Sexy Shut-In

• The Person Who Fully Dresses for Work Zooms Because at Least She’s Trying

• Last Year’s Halloween Costume

• The Stoner Who Enjoys Broad Discussions on Foreign Policy

• The Hipster with a Strong Opinion About Kombucha

• The Unreliable Employee

• The Guy Who Lies About His Height on Dating Apps

• The Slutty Anything

• The Chick Who Still Thinks Studded Jeans are “In”