An Open Letter to People Who Say, "Summer's Not Over Yet!"

Dear People Who Say Summer Isn’t Over Yet,

Shut up. Just shut the fuck up.

I understand your relentless Instagram-captioning is rooted in deep melancholy mixed with a childish inability to surrender to how seasons work. But what I need you to understand is that summer is over. The tempterature might not be saying it, but I’ll fucking say it. It’s over. I can’t have summer just going on endlessly.

Between you and I, my internal spiral of self-hate needs to wrap up for the season. Look, I’m all for body positivity… for everyone else. Just know that if I ever stumble into a decent amount of money, the very first item on my agenda will be hiring a plastic surgeon to re-sculpt this middle aged body I’ve had since I was 8.

So while I understand that your enthusiasm for this late summer weather is likely based on the fact that you are young, with reasonable abs and a belief you’ll never mottle, I am begging you to cut this shit out.

I am crawling towards my pile of denim, flannel shirts, waffle henleys, and heavy-ass boots like a Democratic presidential candidate crawls toward an opening in the conversation. I am ready to completely encase my body in fabrics that do not wick. I need this right now. Please don’t ruin this for me.

Everything good must come to an end, including things that make you sweaty. I appreciate you understanding.

Yours Truly,

Christian