on Ruggedness: A Charming Quality to Strive For, Sure, But I Was Raised in a House of Women

1. The animals are too cute to hunt.

2. You can start a fire, but you catch on fire, too.

3. Your idea of a sporting good time is spending Friday nights glued to your laptop watching videos of various charcuterie boards being assembled, occasionally breaking eye contact for a sip from your own personal 4-pack of High Noons. ESPN is on the TV, but solely for “background noise.”

4. You don’t know how most of your tools work, and they break as soon as you try them.

5. Your handiwork is just a bunch of shit glued together surrounded by empty White Claws scattered around the floor.

6. You can get to where you’re going but only by checking Google Maps every twenty seconds.

7. You run away from fights to spend the day looking for new clothes everyone is talking about.

8. You boil steak.

9. When you see a flower you say, “Oooh!” and run to pick it.

10. You listen attentively to everyone’s whining and moaning without providing any tangible advice.

11. You change outfits four times per day.

12. You use your free time to work side gigs for extra money instead of investing into personal relationships.

13. You make Beyond Meat burgers every Monday, which you’ve since dubbed “Meatless Monday.”