on Performance Issues: Please Don't Laugh @ Me

Ah, yes, there’s nothing quite like parallel parking with the unrelenting gaze of an audience. All the pressure just faaades away. I can now be one with my car and allow my flow state to take over. This will be done in no time!

Hmm. I fear that I’ve turned my wheel too late, but thankfully your presence is calming me down. Where would I be without you? Looks like I have to pull out and attempt this again. I know you want to laugh at me. I can see it in your eyes. Don’t hold back! There’s nothing more soothing than bringing joy to others. And if you want to talk to me right now, go right ahead, as that will sharpen my focus.

It seems a long line of cars has formed behind me — anticipating my big finish! I can’t believe it, all eyez on me. I’ve dreamed of this moment since I was but a little pudgy boy. And, wait, are those honks I hear? Cheers from the crowd! This mounting pressure is all the more reason why I need you now. I must deliver this finale for my fans!

Here I go, straightening out, but hold on…. Does it look like I may be too far out into the street? Certainly, this is more than the recommended 6 to 18 inches away from the curb. Appears it is time for my encore!

What are you doing? No-no, don’t look away now! You’re so important to my success. If you continue to ignore me, I may be stuck here forever. Just the thought of it is giving me stage fright. There’s no way I can do this alone.

Um, forgive me, but who is that person walking towards you? They seemed to have stolen your gaze from me. Oh, no. This dream has turned into a nightmare. You weren’t watching me, but just awaiting the arrival of your lover. How dare you! The lies — the deception! I trusted you! No, don’t leave me, please, I beg you.

Well, at least I have you, honking line of cars. What’s this? No! Stop going around me! I won’t be able to finish now.

Unreal. Only a second ago, I had the world in the palm of my hands and now I’m nothing but a forgotten memory. My, oh my. Was that a glance from the man in the blue shirt? Sir! Yes, you! I need your help. Just don’t look away — this will only take a minute.

Aaaand I’m done!

Honestly, the best part is right at the end. “Oh my god, it’s in.”