Dazed and Confused: The Entirety of My Thoughts as I Eat My Brother's Mac and Cheese Dinner

He’ll never notice if I just take one bite.

Or two bites.

I wonder how much food my mom ate that was meant for me.

This is parental paying it forward and paying it forward is good, like in that movie with the kid who sees dead people who wound up fat.

Too much mac and cheese is bad for a kid—that’s solid parenting.

Mac and cheese is probably what happened to Hayley Joel Osment.

Holy fuck, is that his name? How did I remember that? I’m the Google of my own head!

Google of my head? Are there drugs in this mac and cheese, I should double-check by eating more because I care about my brother.

Hayley’s a girl’s name.

Fuck, this is good.

I bet that asshole Mitch from accounting makes his kids homemade mac and cheese.

I bet he has his kids help him, bonding over cooking while also casually imparting life lessons in the process.

Fucker.

I bet one lesson is butter makes everything taste better. His kids will probably turn into sticks of butter when their second marriages fall apart because they always feel like failures compared to their perfectionist father and the only thing they know is that food has never disappointed in them.

My siblings are lucky I set achievable example like sometimes you have to get prepackaged food from the grocery store a few nights a week.

This fifteenth bite is worth jeans not fitting tonight.

Life lesson, kids: sometimes you’re going to be chubby and that’s OK as long as you’re not so chubby that people start telling you, “Jesus, dude.”

I probably won’t even like the hors d'oeuvres they serve at this work event.

I bet this mac and cheese is less calories than the fancy dinner, which I will definitely not eat now.

I mean, unless it’s late and I get really hungry. Or drunk.

Then I’ll just eat the vegetables.

Or maybe the potatoes.

Because potatoes have nutrients, like… shit, remind myself to look up what’s good about potatoes, probably niacin or some shit like that?

I might as well eat the kid’s food and get jiggly because who cares when there will always be hot moms who appreciate a good dad bod.

MILF is more like Macaroni I’d Like to Finish.

Great, now I have to hide an empty mac and cheese container.

Kids love pizza.

Fuck. I love pizza.