on Mental Health: Dank Memes & Hilarious Bits
Connie has been my therapist for the better part of 4 years. Much like her other patients—who I imagine are also coping with the trauma left by childhood abuse and trying to navigate what it means to be a man in the world—I have become increasingly comfortable with emotional vulnerability. While most of our sessions are productive, some seem to stall when I think of a hilarious bit to write about. Recently we ended up talking about ghosting—and what it says about our discomfort with honesty and vulnerability. This led Connie into a deep dive on love: what we get wrong in defining it, why we endure hurt and pain from the people we love the most, and how we can bring more honesty and openness into our relationships. I’m kind of half-listening to her while also half-listening to the voice in my head saying, “Man, this is going to make a killer blog post.”
CONNIE: I've seen you write as a vehicle to examine questions that you had—or confusing life situations you were dealing with—after our sessions. Is that your goal in writing?
When I first started writing for this blog, I wanted to find answers to the questions I had. There were so many times where I’d be at a dinner or bar and in a conversation with very strong-minded people with thoughts and ideas about the world around them. I had none of that. There were no thoughts on immigration or economics or dating. I was happy to have been born here. I was happy to have a steady income. I was happy when I got a date. I was just happy to be there, wherever there was. I was embarrassed by that. I guess this is just a long way of saying that this is one of my goals in writing. I write with the intention of having something to add to the conversation.
How do you decide a topic?
Sometimes I’ll think of something based on where I’m at in life. Other times I cover what’s going on in the world at that specific moment in time. There are moments where I have something I want to cover and I’ll work on the idea over a period of months or years.
What has taken you years to write about?
There were a couple questions I kept finding myself asking, because it really cut to the core of what I was trying to solve: Who taught me who to love? And who taught me who to hate?
How do you come to a question like that as a 34-year-old?
I realized something when I was 10—I had an immense fear of becoming my father, who put my mom through a lot. Like many people who haven't—
He taught you who to love?
No.
So he taught you who to hate?
Without a doubt.
Who do you hate?
Versions of him, especially those that I see in myself. Like, versions where I’m incredibly selfish or can’t exhibit control with drinking and other vices. Ever since I can remember, I knew who I didn’t want to become while at the same time feeling that outcome was inevitable. I didn’t want to end up like my dad and eventually felt, like, can I please just steer this whole fucking car off the road if there’s even a 1% chance that I become him?
So I sabotaged a lot of relationships. I went silent on some girls, some family. Or I’d do this thing where I would leave things incredibly murky and vague. I got good at that, mostly because I didn’t know how to tell people that I wasn’t good for them… even though I had no proof that I wasn’t good for them.
Now, I should stop now and let you know that this wasn’t an actual conversation during my therapy session. There are certainly things I should talk to Connie about: Emotional vulnerability. Why I sabotage every good thing in my life. My habit of chasing women who are completely wrong for me. Giving said women second and sometimes third chances. My stubborn refusal to admit that I may make a GOAT-tier father one day. Why I create so many goddamn playlists consisting of mostly Creed songs.
These are things I should talk to Connie about.
Here’s what I do talk to Connie about:
A crazy dream I had a while back
Books
That time two years ago when I had a huge zit on the bridge of my nose before a date, so I wore vanity frames to hide the zit, and the date went fine, but isn't wearing vanity frames a form of lying and doesn't that make me a bad person?
An Instagram comment I found on something I wrote 7 months ago, where the commenter said that my writing style was 'unrefined' and that I was 'unhinged' and what the fuck does that mean?
That dank meme where it's a stock photo of a boyfriend who gets distracted by a different girl, and his current girlfriend gets angry at him
Wondering whether or not I’m using my time in therapy as effectively as I could be