on Being Replaceable: An Open Letter to The Intern Who Sits in the Cubicle Behind Me

Dear Intern,

The jig is up. Our cubicle walls are short. You’re tall. My screen is huge.

Because I’m a creative, I often chalk up personal internet usage during work hours to “research.” But you know.

You’ve seen me order blackhead strips and charcoal masks on Amazon. You’ve seen me spend hours on the baseball message boards. You’ve seen me scour the web for leaks of the new Queens of the Stone Age album to no avail. You’ve seen me keep a tiny window open in the corner of my desktop so that I can watch the latest episode of The Joe Rogan Experience.

Yet you remain silent on the matter. You ask me if I’m busy when you have a request. You applaud my performance on marketing pitches. And yet… and yet.

I imagine that if you were a full-time employee you’d have said something.

I imagine if you were any less interested in this job that you’d have said something just to make the day interesting.

I imagine if you weren’t the intern that you’d have said something.

I imagine that if I hadn’t caught you looking at my phone as it lit up with a notification you’d have said something.

But I can only imagine what’s going on on your screen, which is conveniently backed into the corner.

When you leave after your internship is up, I’m moving to your desk. I’d like to be able to watch the latest Tim Dillon Show with at least half of my screen.

Sincerely,
Christian